You Look Like a Monkey

When I was little, on my birthday my mother would sing "Happy birthday to you, you look like a monkey and act like one, too."  Thanks to that song, I developed a monkey complex and to this day I can't watch any of the "King Kong" movies without feeling my face to make sure that I don't really like a monkey.  Mothers can be so sadistic.

Til the Cows Come Home

A friend once told me that we could argue about where to eat until the cows came home, but it wouldn't get us anywhere.  I pointed out that it actually would get us somewhere, as then we wouldn't have to worry about where to eat since we would have the cows.  However, I admitted that seeing as we were in Boston, it would probably be quite a wait, since cows are not exactly indigenous to that area, so we'd be better off just going to McDonald's.  He threw his hands up in frustration and stomped away.  Some people are so indecisive.

Beat the Band

Back in college, a friend once told me that the party we were planning for Saturday night was going to beat the band.  I pointed out to him that A) we hadn't hired a band, 2) even if we had hired a band, I didn't have enough baseball bats or cricket mallets for everyone at the party, and III) I really wasn't interested in going to jail for assault and battery charges anyway.  Some people are so violent.

Tied the Knot

One time, after his return from a trip to Vegas, a friend told me that he'd gotten drunk and tied the knot with a girl he met at a club over the weekend.  I told him that if he was into bondage and what-not, that was fine, but I really didn't need to hear about it.  Some people are just way too candid.

The Whole Nine Yards

A friend in college once told me that he was on going the whole nine yards on his date on Saturday night.  I told him that nine yards really wasn't that far - it was barely the distance between my dorm and his - and that I doubted that a girl would really be all that impressed by his just walking nine yards.  Some people have no sense of distance.

The Ball is in Your Court

Somebody in a meeting once told me that the ball was in my court.  I was rather confused by this as we were not playing any form of ball game, nor were we playing Medieval Knights.  I told him that though I had never heard of a game that combined both ball sports and Medieval Knights into one game, it definitely sounded intriguing, especially if the Jester was the Goalie.  He looked at me oddly and stormed out of the meeting in a huff.  Some people just don't know how to take suggestions.

Spitting Image

Somebody once told me that I was the spitting image of my father.  I was speechless.   I could not believe that someone would ever say that I would ever spit at a picture of my own father.  Some people have no sense of tact.

Son of a Gun

Somebody once called me a son of a gun.  I told him that I thought he was rather confused, as guns aren't able to reproduce since A) they don't have genitals, 2) they aren't organisms and III) even if the previous two facts weren't true, they would most likely kill all their offspring anyway.  One black eye later, I learned the valuable lesson that an F in biology combined with an NRA membership is a dangerous combination.

Smell a Rat

One time, back when I was a CIA spy, I was on a mission when one of my fellow spies confided in me that he thought he smelled a rat.  I got rather upset with him, because there really wasn't anything I could do as far as bathing Peter, my pet rat, when we were on assignment like this, and I certainly couldn't leave him at home, where the cat would undoubtedly finally succeed at reconfiguring him into digestive waste.  Some people just have no respect for other people's pets.

Sitting Shotgun

One time when I was younger and my family was about to embark on a cross-country road trip, my sister announced that she wanted to sit shotgun.  I thought this was an odd and dangerous thing to want to do, but I didn't press the matter since if the shotgun went off I'd be pretty much guaranteed front seat from then on.  Brothers can be pricks sometimes.

Literal Idioms

Somebody once accused me of taking idioms too literally.  I told him that wasn't a very nice thing to say, as the P.C. term is "Intelligently Handicapped."  I also pointed out to him that just because someone is Intelligently Handicapped doesn't mean that they're illiterate.  Some people are just so intolerant.

Saved by The Bell

One time back in high school, a friend once said to me at the end of class that we had been saved by the bell.  He must have been taking some sort of mind-altering substances, because A) I wasn't aware of any rescue situation that had just occurred and B) I'd never heard of any superheros named "The Bell."  I decided right then and there that if I ever came in contact with any kind of radioactive substances, that the first thing I would ensure I came in contact with afterward would be a bell, so that I could become The Bell.

Run Out Steam

Somebody once told me he had run out of steam.  Not one to abandon my friends in a time of need, I hurried to the kitchen, put the kettle on, and when the water started boiling, I asked him where I should stick the spout.  He looked at me oddly and left the room.  Some people just don't know how to be appreciative.

Rome Was Not Built in a Day

One time, after asking an employee when his assignment would be done, he told me that Rome wasn't built in a day.  I've read many history books, and none of them ever even suggested that Rome had built in a day, so I wasn't really sure what he was talking about.  I was even more confused because we weren't talking about building Rome - or any other ancient European city, for that matter.  In fact, we were talking about building real x-ray goggles that actually let you see through people's clothing, not like those cheap knock-offs you get at joke stores or at the airport.  Some people just don't know how to stay on topic.

Raining Cats and Dogs

Someone once told me that it was raining cats and dogs outside.  I looked out the window, and it looked like it was just water.  I told him as much, but also said that it could be arranged for it to rain cats and dogs, as I had just recently acquired my blimp pilot's license, but I suspected that such action might fall under some sort of animal cruelty laws.  Some people have strange ideas about how to have a good time...

Raincheck

Somebody once told me that he was going to have to take a rain check.  I told him that I was rather offended on several accounts, not least of which was because he seemed to think that I would give him a wet check, but also because he had the audacity to expect me to pay him because he had to cancel our meeting to discuss our plans for building an army of mutated, man-eating mushrooms.  Some people are just always looking for a way to scam you.

Queering the Pitch

One time - after I had foiled his latest nefarious scheme for world domination involving a slinky, a paperclip, and a balloon wrapped in tinfoil and filled with barbecue sauce - my arch-nemesis and Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, accused me of queering the pitch.  I told him that I know he's Evil and all, but that he really shouldn't be so intolerant of homosexuals in sports, and that he needs to stop assuming that because I'm a writer that makes me automatically gay.  Family: you gotta love 'em, but you don't gotta like 'em.

Put a Sock In It

One time at lunch, someone told me to put a sock in it.  So, I bent down, pulled off my sock and - since he hadn't really specified what I was supposed to put the sock in - I put it in his soup.  Apparently he did not mean his soup.  Some people really need to learn to communicate better.

Pulling Your Leg

An ex-girlfriend once accused me of pulling her leg.  I gently pointed out that I'd learned better than to do that, since the last time I'd tried that her prosthetic leg had popped off.  Some women apparently believe that all men lack the capacity to learn from their experiences.

Pick up Your Ears

A professor in college once asked our class to pick up our ears.  I looked around the class, and as far as I could see nobody had dropped their ears.  I told the professor that I was pretty sure that most students wouldn't appreciate being confused with Mr. Potato-heads.  Some people really shouldn't be teachers.

Pig in a Poke

Someone once accused me of making a pig in a poke.  I told him that where I come from, that kind of thing is illegal (never mind the fact that "Charlotte's Web" was one of my favorite books as a child) and I did not appreciate having such disparaging remarks being made against my character.  Some people should never be allowed anywhere near a farm.

Passing the Buck

Someone once accused me of passing the buck.  I was rather surprised by this offer, because I had been expecting to have to pay a LOT more than a dollar to get rid of the company I had founded for making self-replicating blueberry smoothies (As it transpired, the process necessary for making self-replicating blueberry smoothies just so happened to open up a vortex to a parallel dimension inhabited by man-eating lemur-like critters, and thus my desire to get out of the self-replicating blueberry smoothie business).  So, I took out my wallet and handed him a buck.  He looked at the buck.  He looked at me.  And then he threw the buck back at me and stomped away.  Some people don't know how to haggle...

Over His Dead Body

One time, somebody told me that I could only date his sister over his dead body.  After hearing him say that, I wasn't so sure I wanted to date his sister any more, if that was the kind of family she came from.  I'm sorry, I try to be open-minded and all, but incestuous necrophilia is just plain disgusting.

On The Fence

Someone once told me that he was on the fence about whether or not the bandicoot is the result of alien genetic experiments on mice and anteaters.  I told him that I wasn't really sure what a fence had to do with all of this - seeing as aliens wouldn't have much use for a fence in their genetic experiments - but warned him to be careful because he could get a splinter and it could get infected and that would be a very unfortunate place to have an infected splinter.  Some people just lack common sense.

Getting off on the Wrong Foot

Someone I never particularly cared for once told me that he thought we'd gotten off on the wrong foot.  I snapped at him that I didn't know who he was confusing me with but A) I'm straight, 2) I'm not into foot fetishes, and III) even if those first two points weren't true, I wouldn't do any such thing with the likes of him.  Some people just can't take the hint that you don't like them.

Not Playing With a Full Deck

Somebody once accused me of not playing with a full deck.  This left me rather confused, as we weren't playing cards (or any other game, for that matter), but discussing my blueprints to replicate the building from "Ghostbusters" that acted as a doorway to the underworld.   Now, if I had been planning to construct the building as a house of cards, his remark might have made sense - but that would have been a rather silly thing to do as playing cards don't make very good pan-dimensional conduits.  Some people really are just so addicted to gambling that they can't focus on anything else.

No Room to Swing a Cat

One time, I was moving into a new apartment with a friend.  Upon seeing the bathroom, he said that there was no room to swing a cat in there.  I was appalled.  Not only did he forget that the building had a no-pets policy, but it was rather disturbing that he'd want to bring a cat into the bathroom anyway, and just plain wrong that he'd want to swing it around once he got it in there.  The moral of this story is to always learn about someone's  fetishes before signing a lease with them.

No Dice

Once, while playing Monopoly, a friend responded to my proposition of relieving him from the burden of owning Boardwalk by saying, "No dice."  I looked at him oddly, and pointed out that the dice were right in front of him, but that they didn't really have anything to do with my proposal anyway since the dice have no monetary value in the game.  Some people aren't very good at board games.

Mum's the Word

One time a friend, after I had confided a secret with him, told me that mum's the word.  I asked him when had he become British, and then asked what his mother had to do with my ingenious plan for world domination, requiring nothing but a twinky, a dromedary and a deck of Tim Burton playing cards.  Some people just have very short attention spans.

Never Bite The Hand That Feeds You

Someone once told me that I should never bite the hand that feeds me.  Naturally, I got rather offended and snapped at him that I am a grown man and have not required anyone to help feed me in over twenty years.

Long in the Tooth

A friend in middle school once told me that her pet rabbit was getting rather long in the tooth.  I told her that seeing as fluffy was a rabbit, that really wasn't anything to be that worried about.  She burst into tears and didn't talk to me for a couple months.  Young girls tend to be so emotional.

Let the Cat Out of the Bag

Somebody once told me that it was time to let the cat out of the bag.  Naturally, I reported him immediately to the Humane Society for being cruel to animals.  And to think that I had trusted a monster like that with my secret recipe for time-traveling strawberry shortcake.  Some people you just never truly know who they really are.

Lend Me Your Ear

Somebody once asked me to lend him my ear.  I told him that under absolutely no circumstance would I do that, since he had two perfectly functioning ears and had no need for a third.  I also pointed out that it was rather odd to ask for me to loan him my ear; what was he going to do when he was done with it? Just hand it back and say, "OK, thanks, you can have it back now?"  Apparently he thinks that all artists are like Van Gogh.  Well, we're not.  Some of us are rather fond of all of our various body parts being ATTACHED, thank you very much.

Kick the Bucket

A friend in middle school once told me that he was upset because his hamster had kicked the bucket.  I told him that really wasn't something to be sad about - if anything I'd be scared that my hamster had gotten large enough to kick a bucket.  I've watched a enough B sci-fi and horror movies to know that giant rodents are never a good sign.

Keep an Eye On It

One time back in middle school, I was helping my mother in the kitchen to prepare for our Halloween party.  She told me to keep an eye on the oven for her while it cooked.  I sure as heck wasn't going to use my own eye, so I went around the neighborhood, looking for a dead squirrel, or cat or something.  I couldn't find one, unfortunately, and when I got back, my mother was yelling at me about letting the dinner burn.  I pointed out that she knows I can't multi-task and that she shouldn't have sent me off looking for eyes if she wanted me to keep the food from burning.  After that, I wasn't allowed back in the kitchen.

It's a Small World

Somebody once told me that it's a small world.  I told him that I think his idea of "small" might need some tinkering, as the world's circumference is 24,901 miles, its diameter is 7,926, and it weighs 6,585,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.  Some people just have no sense of proportion.  I can't help wondering if he was possessed by those evil puppets at Disneyland, making a twisted attempt for World Domination...

Reach Out and Touch Someone

Somebody once told me I should reach out and touch someone.  I took his advice.  I would NOT recommend doing this, unless you want a healthy slap across the face and a restraining order filed against you.  If that's what you're into, however, by all means do it.

Icing on the Cake

Someone once told me that the promotion he'd just received was just icing on the cake.  I got very upset with him, because he hadn't told me anything about cake before that, and he very obviously hadn't saved a piece for me and I told him that he should have brought enough for everybody.  Some people just have no manners.

Joshing

Somebody at a party once told me that he suspected I was Joshing him when I asked him to go get some more beer out of the cellar where, little did he know it, one of our friends was waiting in a pink gorilla costume (the costume store was unfortunately out of regular gorilla costumes and the only other option would have been a giraffe costume, and giraffe's really aren't that scary) to jump out at him.  I reminded him that my name is Mark, not Josh.  Some people are just terrible with names.

Hold Your Horses

An employee once told me that I needed to hold my horses.  I told him that as I do not own any horses, I was unable to hold them, but that was neither here nor there as he was already three days late in delivering to me his report on whether or not the popularity and consumption of Swiss Cheese is affected by changes in the environment including, but not limited to, acid rain levels.  Absolutely NOTHING to do with horses.  Cows, perhaps, but definitely not horses.  Unless, of course, he drank horse milk.  But that's just weird.

Hit the Hay

An old girlfriend from back in college said to me one night that it was time to hit the hay.  I was rather tired, and we were in Boston so there weren't exactly very many farms nearby, but I do try to be spontaneous, so I pulled her out of bed and out to the car (even though it was her idea to do this, she seemed to have changed her mind), threw a couple of shovels in the trunk, and we drove out to Western Mass., found a farm, and started hitting the hay.  Sometimes, I miss the college years.

Hit The Books

Back in college, a friend advised me that if I was going to pass our history test, I was going to really need to hit the books.  I thought this was strange advice, but I decided it was worth a try.  For extra measure, I used a baseball bat.  I still flunked the test.  Some people don't make very good friends.

High on the Hog

A friend from high school did very well for himself out in the real world.  At our high school reunion, he described himself as high on the hog.  I'd heard of smoking bacon before, but I hadn't realized that's what they meant.  Rich people have very strange vices...

Lost His Head

A friend in college once told me that he'd lost his head at a party on Saturday night.  I looked at him oddly and told him his head was right where it always was, right on top of his neck between his shoulders.  I even held up a mirror for him to prove it.  Some people are so vain that they'll resort to really strange tactics in order to get someone to hold a mirror for them to look into.

Graveyard Shift

Back in college, I got hired for a job at a hotel.  The manager told me that I would be working the graveyard shift.  I thought this was odd, but went along with it, so I really don't understand why they fired me, claiming I never showed up to work.  Oh well, it was a rather boring job anyway, just sitting around a graveyard all night.

Go Out On A Limb

Somebody once told me that I should try going out on a limb every once in a while.  I took his advice, and the effin' limb broke.  I fell twenty feet (hitting many other limbs on the way down) and nearly broke my neck.  I don't like trees anymore.

A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush

A girl I went to college with once told me that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  I told her that while it really wasn't any of my business, and I try to be open-minded about other people's kinks, I just couldn't see how that would be enjoyable (even, or especially, if it was a humming bird), not to mention that it's rather sick to do that to a helpless bird.  There is a such thing as having too much of a love for animals...

Give Him The Slip

Back in high school, a friend of mine was being chased by a bully.  After a narrow escape, my friend told me that he had given him, the bully, the slip.  I said to him, "Well, that certainly explains why he was trying to beat you up.  Going around giving women's undergarments to meat-heads like that is just asking for trouble."

Shit-faced

Back in college, a friend told me that he was planning on getting shit-faced that weekend.  I told him that if he was into that kind of thing, that was his own business, but he could count me out, and I certainly didn't want to hear about it, thank you very much.  Some people need to learn how to keep their personal fetishes to themselves...

The Wrong Side of the Bed

 Someone once told me that he had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed that morning.  I pointed out to him that seeing as there are only four sides of the bed - and that at least one of those sides is more than likely against a wall - then it really should be a simple matter of elimination to determine which is the right side to get up on, and that if he's getting up on the side where the wall is, then that's really nobody's fault but his own.  And that's not even going into if he had one of those '70's-style circular porno beds with the satin leopard-print sheets...

Funny Farm

Someone once told me that if I didn't get my act together, "they" were going to ship me off to the funny farm.  I've always liked animals, and although I've never seen them do stand-up comedy before, I would think that would be, at the very least, rather entertaining to witness, so I couldn't really see how that would be any kind of punishment.  Perhaps he was lactose intolerant...

Flash in the Pan

An ex-girlfriend once told me that I was a flash in the pan.  This left me rather confused, as I had not flashed her - in this particular instance - and we were not cooking.  I told her that while I try to be open-minded in the bedroom, if she tried to fry me in a pan, whether I was flashing her or not, that would definitely be crossing the line.  Some women have really strange fetishes...

Finding Your Feet

A new hire at a job I used to work at confided in me, after a few weeks, that he was starting to find his feet.  Puzzled and concerned, I went to my supervisor and explained that I was worried about the new guy.  After all, if he was only just now finding his feet at twenty-something years old, he might not be the most qualified person for the job of a shoe salesman.  To this day, I still wonder how long it took for him to find his hands...

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

One time, I was shopping for a new car.  The dealer told me that the car I was currently looking at came with everything but the kitchen sink.  I couldn't help but think that this certainly explained why there are so many accidents on the roads these days, if people are doing their cooking and dishes while driving, now.  I understand that some people think that convenience is a luxury, but that's just really taking things too far.

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

Someone once told me that every cloud has a silver lining.  I told him not to be ridiculous, because silver is heavy, so if that was true there'd be silver falling out of the sky all the time, not to mention the damage it would do to airplanes that fly through the clouds everyday.  Apparently, he wasn't familiar with Newton and physics...

Dry Run

I have mentioned previously that I used to date a girl who was involved in theatrical arts.  Well, one time when she was in the midst of rehearsals for a show, she told me that they were going to do a dry run that night.  I thought this was a rather odd thing for them to be doing, so close to the show's opening, and told her that they really should be rehearsing rather than exercising.  However, I did add that at least they were running dry, because otherwise they would risk getting sick (not to mention that they would have to look into getting the roof of the theater patched so that it didn't leak anymore).  She didn't talk to me for a week after that.  Women are strange.

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Out of Pocket

Somebody once told me that she was going to be out of pocket for a while.  I looked at her oddly and said she wasn't nearly tiny enough to fit inside anyone's pocket, she'd have to be Stuart Little size for that to work.  Unless, of course, it was a giant's pocket, but last I checked there haven't been any proven cases of giants existing, so that makes for a rather moot point anyway.  Some people just have no sense of proportion...

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Drink Like a Fish

Back in college, a friend once told me that he planned to drink like a fish on Saturday night.  I told him that was kinda gross.  After, fish go to the bathroom in the water they drink.  For some reason, he didn't invite me to that party on Saturday...

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Don't Put All Your Eggs in One Basket

Someone once told me that I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.  I looked at him, confused, and pointed out that A) I'd already given up on chicken farming after having my fingers pecked from counting my chickens after they hatched; 2) It wasn't Easter; and III) Considering the fact that I only have two hands and one mouth, there are only so many baskets I can carry at one time, and if you can fit them all in one basket that's a lot more economical anyway.  Some people just like to make things difficult.

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Don't Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth

Somebody once told me I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.  As you know, I've taken a lot of bad advice from people in the past, so I decided that, for once, I was not going to fall for their trap.  So I phoned up a rich relative and told them that I wanted a horse for my birthday, and upon receipt of said gift, I looked that horse straight in the mouth.  And that no-good-son-of-a-mare bit me right on the nose.  Apparently some people's advice is worth paying attention to...

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The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Someone once told me that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  I pointed out that that isn't necessarily true.  If a heavy wind is blowing, or if the apple tree hangs over a cliff, the apple can fall quite far from the tree.  He stammered at me for several seconds, then stalked away.  I guess he must have failed high school physics...

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Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

Someone once told me that I shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch.  I took his advice and waited until after they'd hatched to count them, and you know what? Those little buggers practically pecked my fingers off.  That was when I decided that I really wasn't that interested in being a chicken farmer, after all.

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Cry Wolf

Someone once told me that I shouldn't cry wolf.  I looked at him oddly, because A) I wasn't crying at all; 2) I hadn't said anything about a wolf; III) I had been trying to warn him, for the third day in a row, that the Hands of Blue were coming for him.  Some people just let their imaginations run away with them...

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Curiosity Killed the Cat

Someone once told me that curiosity killed the cat.  I pointed out that, technically speaking, it wasn't curiosity at all but the truck that had been coming down the road when the cat went out to explore newfound territory.

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Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

A co-worker once told me that I shouldn't cry over spilled milk. Shows what he knows - for every drop of spilled milk, there's an innocent baby cow that's starving. Every starving baby cow means more veal.  I don't like veal.  So, I think that spilled milk is definitely worth crying over.

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Cock and Bull Story

Someone once accused me of telling him a cock and bull story.  Naturally I was rather confused by this, as the story I had told him did not concern neither a cock nor a bull, but a French nun who, according to the papers, ran off and had a sordid affair with an Irish belt maker after they had both been abducted by intoxicated aliens who had gotten lost on their way to an intergalactic party on Pluto, where they were fully expecting to get it on with some spicy Flugelarlians, and were quite anxious to get back on course.  Absolutely nothing to do with a cock or a bull.  Some people just don't know how to listen.

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Close but no Cigar

A friend and I were once playing Battleship.  I called out "B-5."  He replied, "Close, but no cigar."  I told him that I wasn't looking for a cigar, I was looking for his submarine, and that if he tried to smoke that little piece of plastic I would expect that he would be sorely disappointed.  He looked at me oddly, and then walked away, right in the middle of our game.  Some people can be such poor-losers.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Chip on Shoulder

Someone once told me that he suspected I had a chip on my shoulder.  I checked both of my shoulders very carefully, and found no signs of any chip crumbs, so I told him, "No, but I do have a bag of Dorritos, if you want some."  He looked at me suspiciously, then walked away.  I guess he preferred Lays.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Chewed Out

A friend in college once complained to me about how her boyfriend had chewed her out over something the night before.  I told her that really wasn't something to complain about, and that I really didn't need to hear about the details of her sex life, anyway.  Some people are just way too open about their personal lives.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Cut the Mustard

I tried out for a talent competition once.  One of the judges told me that I just couldn't cut the mustard.  I looked at him oddly and said, "Well, I wasn't trying to cut mustard, I was demonstrating my ability to yodel 'The Farmer and the Dell' backwards while juggling on a unicycle.  Besides, cutting mustard would be a rather silly thing to do for a talent competition, anyway."  I didn't win.  Some people just have no taste for talent.  Stupid Simon Cowell.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Buy a Lemon

One time, I took a friend along to go looking for a new car.  After looking at one of the cars, he told me that it would be buying a lemon.  I looked at him oddly and said, "I don't know where you buy your lemons, but if they're charging you several thousand dollars for a lemon, you need to start doing your grocery shopping somewhere else."  Despite his odd comment, I ended up buying the car, and it broke down and died a couple miles away from the dealership.  I suspect that my "friend" had put lemon juice in the gas tank.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Break a Leg

I used to date a girl who was into theatrical arts.  Before one of her shows, I wished her good luck, and she got all annoyed with me and told me that I was supposed to tell her to break a leg.  I looked at her oddly and said, "Why would I tell you to do that? If you did that, then I'd have to drive you to the hospital, you'd miss your show, you'd have to walk around on crutches for a month, and I'd have to, like, take care of you and stuff.  If you want to play doctor, that's cool, but you don't have to really break your leg for us to do that."  She stopped returning my calls after that.  Some women have strange fantasies...

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's posting, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Blue Moon

A girl I was pursuing in college once told me that she would only go out with me in a blue moon.  I puzzled over this predicament for a while, then realized that the obvious solution was to dye her contact lenses blue.  She filed a restraining order on me.  Apparently, it just wasn't meant to be.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's posting, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches T-Shirt Store!

Do you enjoy my daily flayed cliches? Well, why not wear one (or two, or three, or four or more)?

I've opened up a new section to my Noricin T-shirt store at Spreadshirt, just for these daily flayed cliches.  So take a moment to stop by and check them out!

Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches T-Shirt Store

Bite Off More Than You Can Chew

Someone once told me that I had bitten off more than I could chew.  I didn't really see how he could be the judge of that, but I try to be open to criticism, so I spit my gum back out at him.  For some reason, he got all disgusted and stomped away.  I guess he was just so used to receiving a negative reaction to his criticisms that he just didn't know how to respond.

Following in his Footsteps

My father once told me that he would love nothing more than for me to follow in his footsteps, so I really don't understand why he got so annoyed when I started following him everywhere he went, being ever-so-careful to place my feet exactly where he had.  Some people just can't seem to make up their minds about what will make them happy.

Beating a Dead Horse

Somebody once told me that I was beating a dead horse.  I calmly explained to him that as I have taken an oath of peace not to hurt any living animal, I am therefore reduced to only harm dead animals, but that was neither here nor there as at that moment I was not harming anything, either alive or dead, and that he should learn to show better tolerance of other people's beliefs.  Some people are just so narrow-minded.

An Arm And Leg

A contractor once told me that it was going to cost me an arm and a leg to do the work I was requesting.  I was rather disgusted, but I really needed the work done, so I went down to the local cemetery and collected an arm and a leg.  After he had finished vomitting, the contractor threw me out of his office and told me to take my business elsewhere.  I guess maybe he meant a non-human arm and leg, but he really should have been more specific, if that was the case.

All Wet

A co-worker once told me that I was all wet.  I snapped at him that that was entirely inappropriate workplace conversation and overturned the watercooler on him.  Some people just have no sense of tact.

All Greek to Me

A friend in college once told me that our chemistry homework was all Greek to him. Confused, I double-checked my textbook, then checked his textbook, and both were all in English.  Figuring he must have mis-spoken, I hired a Greek translator to translate our textbook into Greek for my friend.  Naturally, I sent him the bill.  For some reason he got mad at me.  Some people just don't know how to say "Thank you."

All Bark and No Bite

Someone once told me that I was all bark and no bite, so I really don't understand why she got so upset when I bit her.  Some people just can't handle being proven wrong.

An Ax To Grind

Someone once told me he thought I had an ax to grind.  I told him I didn't own an ax, but if I ever found myself in possession of one that needed to be ground, he would be the first person I came to.  He looked at me suspiciously, and stomped away moodily.  After that reaction, I changed my mind about taking him up on his offer of ax grinding services.  Some people just aren't very good at marketing and customer service.

Drop of a Hat

Someone once told me that he would be willing to do me a favor at the drop of a hat.  Seeing as I needed my car washed, I took his hat off (since I wasn't wearing one at the time and he didn't specify whose hat needed to be dropped) and threw it on the ground.  For extra measure, I started stomping on it and jumping on it as well.  He didn't wash my car.  Some people just aren't good on their word.

Bite the Dust

A friend in grade school once told me that his hamster was about to bite the dust.  "Well," I said to him, "that explains why he's looking so sickly.  Stop feeding him dirt, dumb-dumb."

Albatross around your neck

Somebody once told me that he had an albatross around his neck.  I was appalled.  "Albatrosses are an endangered species, not a fashion statement, you bastard!" I yelled at him, and then promptly reported him to the authorities.  Some people just have no sense of decency.

A Little Catch Up

I've been posting these "flayed cliches" on Facebook for a few weeks now, and they were becoming popular enough that I decided it was time I start putting them into a blog where they would be preserved and more easy to follow.  This first post is a collection of the posts I have already created on Facebook.  Enjoy!!!


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August 27, 2010: I don't understand what all the fuss about world peas is. There are more than enough peas on Earth to go around. I really would think that there are more important things to worry about than peas.

August 18, 2010: Someone once told me I need to think outside the box. And you know what? They were right. It's a lot easier to think when you're not crammed up inside a dark box.

August 19, 2010: People often tell me that I should change my tune. Fortunately, this is fairly easy to do as I am tone deaf.

August 20, 2010: Someone once told me I should turn over a new leaf. I took their advice and I got stung by the scorpion that was hiding underneath the leaf. This is why I now pay for gardening services.

August 21, 2010: Someone once told me that I could have knocked her over with a feather. I tested her on this theory, and she was right. I felt really bad about this. Fortunately, Calista Flockhart is a very forgiving person.

August 22, 2010: Someone once told me that I made them laugh so hard that they busted a gut. I rushed them to the Emergency Room. For some reason, the doctors were not amused...

August 23, 2010: Someone once told me that I was thinking with the wrong head. I apologized and informed them that I'd forgotten my other head in my other pants' pocket.

August 24, 2010: Someone once told me that it was time to pay the piper. You would not believe how hard it is to find a piper in this day and age. And he looked kinda funny at me as I was trying to throw money at him, but he did take it in the end.

August 25, 2010: Back in college, a friend once told me that we were going to "tie one on tonight." He never really specified what were were going to tie or what we were going to tie it to, so I brought a lot of extra rope, just to be safe. For some reason, he laughed at me when I showed up...

August 26, 2010: A friend in college came to me crying one time. She told me that she had caught her boyfriend with his hand in the cookie jar. I pointed out that, technically speaking, it wasn't a jar. For some reason, this made her more upset...

August 27, 2010: A neighbor once told me that I needed to stop beating around the bush, so I really don't understand why he got so upset when I started wacking his junipers with my baseball bat...

August 28, 2010: Somebody once told me that he had a bone to pick with me. I looked at him for a second, shrugged, and said, "I'll be right back." When I came back a few minutes later with my Amateur Archaeology Accoutrements Kit, he looked at me for a second, laughed and said, "Never mind, you're alright after all," and walked away...

August 29, 2010: Somebody once told me that I better be not just whistling Dixie. A) I hadn't been whistling anything at the time, 2) I don't really know the tune to Dixie, and III) I'm rather tone-def, so I just looked at him oddly and started whistling "The Camptown Races" at him. For some reason, this seemed to annoy him, as he stomped off in a huff...must have been due to my aforementioned affliction of Tonality Impairment...

August 30, 2010: Back in college, my roommate told me that he needed to get seriously plastered that night, so I never really understood why he got so upset at me for covering him in papier mache...

August 31, 2010: Somebody once told me that I needed to stop and smell the roses. I took his suggestion, and got stung on the nose by a bee that was inside the rose I was smelling.

September 1, 2010: Somebody once told me that I ought to blaze a new trail. I thought it was an odd suggestion, but I still don't understand why he got mad when I followed his instructions and set fire to the woods outside his house...

September 2, 2010: Somebody once told me that I was only adding fuel to the fire. This left me rather confused, as there wasn't any fire going at that time...so I started one. Somehow, this only made him angrier...