Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Gum up the Works

Back when we were kids, I broke my Evil Twin's latest mind control device, and Kram told our mother that I had gummed up the works. I told her that there was no gum, or Twizzlers, or candy corn, or any other kind of candy involved in the destruction of the device, just our porch, the ground, and gravity. She grounded us both anyway (Kram for trying to enslave the human race, and me for breaking his toy). Some parents aren't very good at understanding the difference between physics and candy.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Green Thumb

Somebody once told me that her uncle, a botanist, had a real green thumb. I told her that he should really get that looked at, because if his thumb has turned green that can't be a good sign, as it is probably infected or something. Some people aren't very good at recognizing signs of health problems.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Gravy Train

A friend in high school once told me that her weekend babysitting job was a real gravy train. I told her that it seemed to me like babysitting gravy would be a pretty boring job, regardless of whether it was on a train, on a plain, or even in the rain. Some people will do anything for money.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Go Over With a Fine-Tooth Comb

A friend once told me that she had gone over her entire apartment with a fine-tooth comb looking for her contact lens, but she never found it.  I told her that it would have been easier just to replace the contact, especially when you consider the fact that it would be quite likely that the comb she was using would damage the contact and render it unusable anyway. Some people take O.C.D. to absurd levels.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Go Over Like a Lead Balloon

One time, a friend told me that his Friday night date had gone over like a lead balloon. I told him it was no wonder the date didn't go well, since a normal hot air balloon would probably have been much more effective. Some men have no clue about how to be romantic.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Go Fly a Kite

One time, at the height of a heated argument, someone told me to go fly a kite.  I did as he suggested, and I found it was actually very therapeutic and relaxing.  He, however, did not go fly a kite, and I hear that he currently suffers from frequent aortic aneurysms.  Some people should take their own advice.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Give the Shirt Off Your Back

Back in High School, a female friend of mine once told me that one of our teachers was just the type of person who would give someone the shirt off of his back. I was appalled, and told her that she should report him for sexually harassing students like that. She shot me an annoyed look, and stormed away. It really is sad to see a friend living in denial about being victimized.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Get Your Goat

Somebody once told me that it really got his goat when people didn't take him seriously. I told him that maybe people would be more likely to take him seriously if he had a somewhat more normal pet, like a cat, or goldfish. He glared at me with a look of annoyance on his face, and stalked away. Some people are very odd about their pets.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Get Under Your Skin

Back in college, a female friend of mine once told me that one of our professor really got under her skin, the way he flirted with the girls in the class. I told her that she had been watching "Silence of the Lambs" way too much, as her epidermis was quite clearly still attached and did not show any evidence of having been worn by anyone other than herself. Some people confuse the line between fiction and reality way too easily.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Get the Sack

Back in college, a female friend of mine once told me that her boss had given her the sack. I told her that I hoped she meant a sack of potatoes, because otherwise she needed to file a sexual harassment complaint. Some men are pigs.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Get Something Off Your chest

One time a friend came to me and said that she needed to get something off of her chest. I told her that although I know there are plastic surgeons who will do that kind of operation, I really didn't think it was all that necessary in her case, as everything seemed to me to be in decent proportion. She slapped me across the face and didn't talk to me for a week. Some women are really touchy when it comes to their chests.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Off The Hook

Back in High School, a girlfriend once told me that she hoped her father would let her off the hook of being grounded so that she could come to the dance that weekend.  I told her that if her father was using her for fishing bait as a form of discipline, 1) that definitely falls under the category of child abuse; B) I couldn't imagine how that would be a very effective way to catch fish (except maybe Tiger Sharks); and III) I would think he'd end up breaking a lot of his fishing poles that way.

She dumped me and went to the dance with Mitch Connor instead.  Some women are very touchy when it comes to the subject of their fathers' hobbies.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Red Letter Day

A co-worker once told me that it was a red letter day.  Considering Jack the Ripper's fondness for red letters, I decided it would be prudent to inform the FBI that he might be a serial killer.  Some murderers fail at discretion.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Money Makes the World Go Round

Somebody once told me that money makes the world go round.  I pointed out to him that, technically speaking, it would be physics that makes the world go round, seeing as the Earth would keep on spinnin' if all of the money in the world spontaneously combusted tomorrow.  Some people aren't very good with science.

Friday, August 26, 2011

You Slay Me

One time, after reading one of my flayed cliches, a friend told me that I slay her.  I told her that I would appreciate it if she didn't spread such vicious, hurtful rumors about me, as I have never killed a living soul in my life (unless you count cockroaches, but I am fairly convinced those monsters are soul-less) and have no intention of slaying her or anyone else.  Some people watch too many horror movies.

Monday, August 22, 2011

What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You

A former roommate once told me that what you don't know can't hurt you.  To prove him wrong, I slipped an entire bottle of Miralax into his Gatorade.  When he finally emerged from the bathroom, I told him what I had done and asked if not knowing about it didn't hurt him.  He moved out the next day.  Some people can't admit when they've been proven wrong.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Get a Kick Out of It

Somebody once told me that he got a real kick out of reading my flayed cliches, so I don't understand why he got so irritated when I kicked him. Some people are often disappointed when they get what they ask for.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Full of Beans

Back in high school, a friend told me that the head of the cheer leading squad was full of beans.  From that point on, I made a point not to sit behind her in class, just to be on the safe side.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

From Soup To Nuts

One time, just before the commencement of a talent show, the organizer of the talent show said to me, "We've got everything imaginable in this show, from soup to nuts." Naturally, I was intrigued to find out what kind of talent soup and nuts would be able to display, so I bought a ticket. Therefore, I was quite disappointed to find that there were not, in fact, any soup OR nuts featured in the contest, just a bunch of bratty kids playing "Heart and Soul" on the piano and doing interpretive dances of "Pokerface." Some people have no scruples when it comes to false advertising.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Four Corners of the Earth

One time my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that one day people would come from the four corners of the Earth to grovel at his feet.  I told him that he really ought to get caught up on current events, as it was proven over five hundred years ago that the Earth is, in fact, round.  Some people aren't very good at science and history.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Forty Winks

Back in college, an ex-girlfriend once told me that she just needed 40 winks before her exam that afternoon.  By the time I was done winking at her, she'd already walked away, irritated for some reason or another.  She did pass her exam, but she never thanked me for my assistance.  Some people aren't very good at showing appreciation where it is due.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Pay Under the Table

Somebody once told me that he was going to pay me under the table, so I got under the table and waited, and waited, but he never showed up and paid me. Some people aren't very good at settling debts.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Fix Your Wagon

One time, after I had thwarted my Evil Twin's latest scheme to take over the South and raise an army of Undead Confederate Soldiers, Kram told me that one day he would fix my wagon. I told him that although that was a generous offer, 1) I didn't own a wagon, B) I generally just take my transportation vehicles to the dealer, and III) even if I did own a wagon and didn't take my vehicles to the dealer, I wouldn't really trust him with fixing this hypothetical wagon, considering his tendency to be vengeful. Some people just don't understand why other people can't trust them.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Follow Your Nose

One time, somebody told me that I should follow my nose.  I took his advice and ended up breaking my nose and glasses on the wall my nose led me to.  Some people don't give very good advice.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Introducing Mark Sheldon's Treasury of Twisted Tunes!

Hello everyone, I'm proud to introduce the latest addition to the Mark Sheldon Blog Network, Mark Sheldon's Treasury of Twisted Tunes!

I will most likely be changing them up a bit, alternating between the two rather than posting a new Flayed Cliche and a new Twisted Tune every day. Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Fly By The Seat of Your Pants

One time, after a pop quiz in college, one of my classmates told me that he took that test flying by the seat of his pants. I told him that either 1) he was taking some really good drugs, B) he really needed to get more sleep at night, or III) he should find out what Tinkerbell has been doing in his pants. Some people get really stressed out from higher education.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Stick in the Mud

One time, after thwarting his nefarious scheme to take over Ben and Jerry's ice cream so that he could make Worcestershire Sauce-flavored ice cream, my Evil Twin - Kram Sheldon - told me that I can be a real stick in the mud. I told him that he was just bitter over the time when I had accidentally taken his pet stick, Ferdinand, and used it for firewood.  Siblings sometimes have a hard time letting go of the past.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Flash in the Pan

I once dated a girl who had been in a popular rock band in High School. She described the experience as a flash in the pan. I told her that it was just as well, then, that the band had broken up after High School, since cannibalism is illegal and, to be perfectly frank, downright disgusting, regardless of whether the meat is cooked in a pan or not. Some musicians take eccentricity to a whole new level.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Fit as a Fiddle

Somebody once told me that I was as fit as a fiddle. I told him that I'd never seen a fiddle exercising before, and I wasn't even sure how a fiddle COULD exercise, considering they don't have arms or legs.  Also, not having a biological body system, they don't really have much need to exercise, anyway. Some people take music way too seriously.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Finger in Every Pie

Someone once told me that I am someone who has his finger in every pie.  I told that was a vicious lie and completely unfounded, and that I would appreciate it very much if he didn't spread such rumors that could potentially cause trouble in my marriage.  Some people are just born trouble makers.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Spoil Sport

One time, after I had defeated my Evil Twin's nefarious scheme to conquer the state of Rhode Island, rename it Kramlandia, and declare war on the world, Kram told me that I can be a real spoil sport.  I pointed out that, technically speaking, as sports are not really biodegradable, they can't spoil.  He spat at me through the bars of his Arkham Asylum cell.  Some people aren't very good at agriculture.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Pay Through The Nose

One time, after I was mugged in Boston by a gang of people dressed up in spandex butterfly costumes on roller skates, my lawyer told me that he was going to make the creeps who attacked me pay through the nose.  I told him that he should make sure to wear gloves before collecting the money, in that case.  Some lawyers will take any money at all, even if it's been up someone's nose.  Lawyers are odd.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Fighting Tooth and Nail

Somebody once told me that in "Return of the King," Aragorn really came forward and fought tooth and nail.  I'm not really sure what movie or book he read, but it was definitely not the "Return of the King" that I was familiar with, as I certainly did not recall any scenes with Aragorn fighting any sort of tooth or fingernail monsters. If he had, I think the story would have gotten rather silly at that point. Some people just can't keep track of plot lines very well.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Fiddle While Rome Burns

One time, somebody accused me of fiddling while Rome burns because I wouldn't go after my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, and stop his latest scheme to take over Antarctica and build himself an army of Super-Intelligent Pan-Dimensional Penguins. I told this person that: 
1) He really should learn his geography, as Rome is in Italy, not Antarctica; 
B) I don't know how to play the fiddle, and in fact I am completely tone-deaf, so if I were to play the fiddle whilst Rome was burning, that would probably only encourage the fire to burn that much more voraciously in an attempt to silence my fiddling;  


III) Thwarting my brother's schemes is a full-time job unto itself and, as far as Kram's Evil Schemes go, Super-Intelligent Pan-Dimensional Penguins really wasn't on the top of my list of threatening creatures. 

Some people just don't know how to sort out their priorities.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Feet of Clay

One time, after I had thwarted his latest nefarious scheme to conquer the Hawaiian Islands and build an army of Mutant Man-Eating Humuhumunukunukuapuaas, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that one day he would discover my feet of clay and expose them to the world. I told him that he'd better be careful with them if he did, because our mother would NOT be pleased if he broke the clay mold of my feet she'd had made when Kram and I were born. Sometimes, siblings get so caught up in their rivalries that they forget how it affects their parents.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Loaded for Bear

One time as my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, was preparing to embark on one of his nefarious schemes to Take Over The World, he informed me that he was loaded for bear.  I told him that I didn't really see how going bear hunting would help him take over the world.  Especially since if he killed off all the bears, he would have eliminated Stephen Colbert's only fear, which would certainly help Mr. Colbert gain more confidence to take over the world, but really wouldn't help Kram that much and would just give Kram more opposition for the position of World Leader. Some people get so attached to celebrities they admire that they forget about their own ambitions.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Beat Around the Bush

A co-worker once told me that he doesn't like to beat around the bush.  I told him that whether or not he and his wife were into S&M wasn't really any of my business, and that I didn't really need that info.  Some people are WAY too candid about their sex lives.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Feeling Your Oats

An ex-girlfriend once told me that she was so happy that she was feeling her oats.  I told her that I hoped she had washed her hands first.  Some people never learn not to play with their food.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Party Pooper

One time, after I had thwarted my Evil Twin's nefarious scheme to conquer Australia and build an army of Zombie Koala Bears, Kram told me that I can be a real party pooper. I told him that was totally uncalled for, as I hadn't done that since we were three, and at that age I could hardly be held accountable for such things.  Some siblings have an annoying habit of bringing up the embarrassing past.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Feather in Your Cap

Somebody once told me that graduating from college would be a real feather in my cap.  Therefore, I was quite disappointed when, instead of feathers, we all got stupid little tassels.  I suppose that tassels are more politically correct, as feathers would probably rile up the animal activists, but feathers would be way cooler.  Some people can be real spoil sports.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Fat Cat

Somebody once told me that his girlfriend's father was a real fat cat.  I pointedly told him that bestiality is illegal in most countries in this day and age, and that if he's dating a cat, then the obesity of her father really is the lesser of the issues at hand.  Some people have very perverse desires.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Eyes in the Back of Their Head

Somebody once told me that his teacher had eyes in the back of her head.  I told him that was awesome and that he should report that to the National Enquirer or, at the very least, the FBI so that they could know one of their Area 51 captives seems to have escaped.  He told me I was being stupid and walked away.  Some people would rather live in denial than accept the existence of extra-terrestrials in the classroom.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

Somebody once told me that every cloud has a silver lining. I told him that was redonkulous, seeing as if it were true then 1) there would be a lot more plane accidents, B) people would be getting killed all the time from the silver falling out of the sky (not to mention all the planes falling out of the sky...), and III) everyone who wasn't killed by the plane crashes and falling silver would be super-uber rich from all of the extra silver in the world. Some people don't understand the concept of gravity.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Egg On Your Face

My Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, once told me that he looks forward to the day when I will finally have egg on my face. I suspect he's still harboring a grudge about the time I hacked into his Evil Genius Group web account and changed his profile picture to a picture from when we were infants and he had scrambled eggs all over his face.  Some people don't know how to take a joke.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Eat Your Words

One time, during a sibling argument, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that he was going to make me eat my words. I told him that I wasn't sure how words tasted, but I imagined that if you put some Parmesan cheese on them, they wouldn't be too bad. Of course, you'd first have to figure out how to make something intangible tangible, which would be the tricky bit. Kram glared at me hatefully, and stormed away.  Some people are very poor losers when it comes to arguments.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Eat Your Heart Out

The other day, a friend called me up to complain about how she hadn't gotten the role she wanted in a local play production.  She told me that she was really eating her heart out over it.  I told her that although that would be a good source of iron, I really wouldn't recommend doing that as she would cease to live. Apparently she took Sunday's episode of "Game of Thrones" WAY too seriously.  Some people have a hard time telling the difference between fiction and reality.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Eat Your Hat

Somebody once told me that if his team didn't win the baseball game that weekend, he would eat his hat.  I told him that he should probably wash his hat before eating it, since I'm sure it would be pretty gross, and sweaty, and quite likely might also have some hair in it.  Some people have weird superstitions when it comes to sports.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Eating Out of House and Home

A friend of mine recently complained to me that his teenage son is eating him out of house and home.  I told him that he really should discourage his son from eating their house, because although I'm sure it's a great source of fiber, there's all sorts of chemicals in the paint, finish, etc. that could be really dangerous to digest.  Some parents aren't very good about monitoring their kids' diets.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Eat Humble Pie

A friend once told me that my Evil Twin, Kram, could use a bite or two of humble pie.  I asked him what region that pie hails from, as I'd never heard of it before.  I'd tried apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and even pickled cottage cheese pie, but never tried a humble pie.  Some people are very well-versed in the foods of the world.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Easy as Rolling off a Log

Somebody once told me that learning how to mold clay was as easy as rolling off a log.  I pointed out to him that if he's getting soaked and occasionally attacked by leeches while molding clay, he's doing something wrong.  Some people have weird hobbies.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Easy as Pie

Back in college, one of my classmates once told me that passing our English class was going to be as easy as pie.  I asked him whether he meant easy as eating pie, or making pie, because I had tried to make a pie before and ended up almost burning the house down.  Eating pie, however, is rather easy as long as the pie tastes good, but if it tastes bad then it could be very difficult, especially if the baker of the pie is someone you don't want to offend.  He looked at me oddly and walked away.  Some people get very touchy when it comes to food.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Dyed in the Wool

One time, after a friend's grandmother had died, the friend told me that his grandmother had been dyed in the wool.  I do my best to be respectful of other cultures' traditions and what-not, but I couldn't help but point out that this sounded like a very odd way to mummify someone.  He punched me in the face and stomped away.  Some people are very odd about burial traditions.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Dutch Treat

One time, back in college, I asked a girl out on a date, and she said that she wanted to go Dutch treat.  I thought this was a rather odd and specific request, but after some research I found a Dutch bakery in town and took her there, so I don't understand why she got so irritated about me wanting to pay.  I've said it before and I'll say it again; women are strange.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Count Sheep

One time, when I was suffering from insomnia, a friend suggested that I try counting sheep.  I thought this was strange advice, but nonetheless when I couldn't sleep that night, I got in my car, and drove around looking for a sheep farm.  In a sense, I guess it worked since I eventually fell asleep at the wheel after several hours of looking for such a farm, but seeing as I ended up totaling my car, I can't help but think there must be a better way to get some sleep.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Dull as Dishwater

Somebody once told me that I was as dull as dishwater.  I couldn't really be offended by this, since dishwater is actually a lot more interesting than plain water, since there's more stuff in it to look at and analyze.  Some people lack perspective.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Dropped Like a Hot Potato

A friend once told me that his girlfriend had dropped him like a hot potato. I told him that he was probably better off, since it sounded like she wasn't very bright and pretty clumsy, if she had him confused with a potato and dropped him. Plus, if that's how she handles all her food, I wouldn't want to eat any of her cooking, 5 second rule or not.  Some people aren't very good about being sanitary in the kitchen.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Drop in the Bucket

Back in high school, a friend once told me that he'd been saving his money for college for most of his life, but he still only had a drop in the bucket.  I told him that if he was planning on paying for college with drops of water, he was going to be sorely disappointed, as I never heard of a institution that accepted water was payment.  Some people aren't very good with finances.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Fight Fire With Fire

Somebody once told me that you should fight fire with fire.  When his house caught on fire, I took his advice using a flamethrower.  The whole town ended up getting burned down.  Some people don't know much about fighting fires.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Dressed to the Nines

Somebody once told me that he was dressed to the nines.  I looked him over, and told him that he looked absolutely nothing like those creepy little Horcrux dudes from that computer animated movie produced by Tim Burton, which was probably a good thing because I really don't see that look as becoming a very popular fashion statement.  Some people have very odd ideas about what people will find fashionable.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Down to Earth

Somebody once told me that I am very down-to-earth.  I asked him what planet he expected me to be down to since, last I checked, none of the other planets in our solar system have oxygen.  Some people aren't very good at astronomy.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Down in the Dumps

Somebody once told me that she was down in the dumps.  I was confused by this, since I didn't notice any pungent odor coming from her, so I tried sniffing her and she slapped me.  Some women are very touchy when it comes to personal hygiene.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

The Dog Days of Summer

One time, in August, someone told me that we were in the dog days of summer. I told him that I hadn't heard anything about an invasion of the dogs - certainly I'd heard about the apes and lemurs trying to take over - but nothing about dogs.  I also told him that I figured that the cats would have something to say about that.  Some people are really overly-paranoid.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Dime a Dozen

Somebody once told me that his collection of the Hardy Boys books was worth a dime a dozen.  I quickly did the math, and figured out that a couple of bucks for almost $200 books was an extraordinary bargain and saw a great opportunity to make a good profit, and told him that I would definitely buy his set for 10 cents for every 12 books.  He glared at me and walked away.  Some people aren't very good at business.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dead Duck

A friend once told me that he was a dead duck if his parents ever found out about the party he threw while they were out of town. I told him that I had never realized that his parents were into witchcraft, and wanted to know if they could turn me into a lemur, because those critters are awesome.  My friend glared at me and didn't talk to me for a week - and I hadn't even asked if they could introduce me to J.K. Rowling.  Some people are really touchy about their parents' social cliques.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Dead as a Doornail

Somebody once told me that he felt as dead as a doornail.  I pointed out to him that a doornail couldn't possibly be dead, as it was never alive in the first place.  So unless he was some sort of hardware reverse vampire or zombie, that really didn't make any sense.  Some people don't really understand the concepts of life and death.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Dark-Horse Candidate

Back in high school, after my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, lost the election for School President, he complained to me that there clearly was something wrong with the people who had counted the ballots, since the kid who won was a dark-horse candidate.  Leave it to my Evil brother to turn something into a racial-bestiality issue.  I also couldn't help but point out to him that I suspected that his loss had more to do with the fact that his campaign posters read, "Vote For Kram Sheldon or I'll Feed Your Families to my Mutant Lava Sharks."  Some people aren't very good losers.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Cutting Edge

A computer designer friend of mine once told me that he was working on the cutting edge of computer technology.  I warned him that he needed to be careful cutting stuff up when working with electronics, because that sounds like a good way to get electrocuted.  Some people don't understand how electricity works very well.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Cut Your Eyeteeth

Somebody once told me that he had cut his eyeteeth on computer programming at a very young age.  I told him not to tell my Evil Twin, Kram, that his eyes had teeth, because that sounded like something that Kram would try to replicate for one of his schemes of World Domination.  Some people have really strange birth defects.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Don't Cut Off Your Nose to Spite Your Face

Somebody once told me that I shouldn't cut off my nose to spite my face.  I told him that clearly he had me confused with my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, since he is the one most likely to follow in the footsteps of Lord Voldemort.  Some people have a very hard time telling the difference between Good and Evil.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Cool Heels

An old girlfriend of mine once complained about how whenever she went to the doctor's office, he always made her cool her heels forever before seeing her.  Considering everything I've heard about female doctors, I kinda thought that her heels would be the last thing she'd worry about being too cool, but I bought her a pair of warm fuzzy socks for Christmas, anyway.  Some doctors spend way too much on their air conditioning bills.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Cool as a Cucumber

A former girlfriend of mine once told me that I was cool as a cucumber.  I told her that I hadn't realized that she was into mixing food and sex, but I was open to experimenting.  She slapped me across the face and stomped away.  Some women seem to enjoy sending mixed signals.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Cooking With Gas

Back in college, I was dating an ice skater.  One time, after a skating match, she told me that she had really been cooking with gas that night.  I told her that was dangerous, not just because she'd melt the ice, but because she should have been concentrating on her skating.  Never heard from her again.  Some women are really touchy about their cooking.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Cooked His Goose

One time, after I foiled one of his plans for World Domination, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that I had cooked his goose.  I calmly pointed out that he didn't own a goose, he owned a hairless cat, and I sure as heck wasn't about to cook that cat, partly because that would be inhumane, but mostly because that thing creeps the heck out of me and I won't go anywhere near it.  Siblings can be weird about their pets.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Came up Smelling Like a Rose

One time, back in college, a friend of mine told me that he had been worried about getting in trouble for skipping out of class the previous week, but he ended up coming up smelling like a rose.  I told him that it was kinda wrong and weird to be taking rose-scented baths with his professors.  Some people will do anything to get a good grade.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Falling Apart at the Seams

I apologize for my brother's actions and behavior yesterday. Fortunately, I managed to escape from my imprisonment in a heroic escapade involving a wad of used chewing gum, a bit of straw, and a very tame and friendly three-legged hamster. We shall now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.
One time, a friend told me that his sister had fallen apart at the seams after her boyfriend left her.  I was troubled by this, because I had seen his sister before and she looked NOTHING like Oogie Boogie.  This just goes to show that appearances can be deceiving.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Do Not An Immoral Thing for Moral Reasons

Kram Sheldon, Evil Twin of Mark, here.  I've taken over things now, even this silly little bore-blog of my brother's.  Things should be more interesting now.  Anywho, I guess I should get on with this thing, eh?  How does he do this? Oh yeah, he pretends to be a total doofus.  Got it.  This one time, at Evil Camp, somebody said to me, "Do not an immoral thing for moral reasons."  So, by the way I see it, that means as long as I'm doing immoral things for immoral reasons, I'm all set.  Awesome.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones

People often say that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but not very many people live in glass houses, so saying that is kind of silly.  It makes more sense to say that people who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass, because you could end up stepping on the broken glass and have to go to the emergency room and get stitches.

Come Again?

One time, when I was giving a presentation in class, one of my classmates interrupted me and asked me to come again.  I told him that was entirely inappropriate, not to mention extremely rude as it showed that he was not at all paying any attention to my lecture.  Some people only have one-track minds.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Cold Turkey

Somebody once told me that the reason he was crabby was because he was quitting smoking cold turkey.  I told him that I didn't realize that one could smoke a turkey, and that I wasn't sure how one would keep the turkey cold after lighting it.  Also, that just sounds like a good recipe for food poisoning.  Some people have very strange vices.

Cold Feet

One time, I was the best man for my cousin's wedding.  The night before the wedding, he told me that he thought he was getting cold feet.  I told him that Caroline, the maid of honor, had some warm, fuzzy socks that would probably help with that, and so I sent him to borrow some from her.  For some reason, neither he nor Caroline showed up at the wedding the next day.  Some people aren't very good at keeping appointments.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Close Shave

Back in elementary school, a friend told me that he'd had a close shave when he almost got caught going up the wrong side of the slide by the principal.  I told him that A) he was WAY too young to be shaving, 2) the slide only had two sides, so if he couldn't figure out which one was the right one, that was pretty sad, and III) if he was shaving WHILE going on the slide (and on the wrong side, at that), then he really was just asking for a trip to the emergency room.  Some kids aren't very bright.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Clip Your Wings

Back when I was a youngin', my father told me that if I didn't start behaving, he was going to clip my wings.  I told him that was a silly threat to make, seeing as if I had wings I'd be able to fly out of reach of him so he wouldn't be able to clip them.  He grounded me for a week.  Some parents aren't very good at being proven wrong.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Clean as a Whistle

Somebody once told me that his apartment was as clean as a whistle.  I told him that couldn't be very clean, since people put their mouths on whistles, and the mouth is supposedly one of the dirtiest areas of the human body.  Some people are just plain messy.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Chickens Come Home to Roost

Somebody once told me that I should be careful what I say, because chickens come home to roost.  I told him that unless the CIA was using chickens for espionage, then I didn't really see how it mattered where they went to roost.  Some people are really overly-paranoid.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Chewing His Cud

One time, when I was younger, my mother told me not to bother my father as he was chewing his cud.  For the life of me, I couldn't understand why he would want to chew on something so disgusting, especially since mom had a perfectly tasty-smelling pot-roast cooking in the oven.  Parents are odd.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Chewing up the Scenery

Back in college, I dated a girl who was involved in the theatrical arts.  One night after a performance, she was complaining to me about one of her co-stars chewing up the scenery.  I told her that while I could see how that may be a good source of fiber, I would think that it would cause rather major digestive issues.  She scowled at me and refused to talk to me for the rest of the night.  Women are strange.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Caught Red Handed

A teacher once told me that she had caught me red handed stealing the cookie from the cookie jar.  I told her that my hands weren't red, they were kinda palish pink.  She put me in detention.  Some people are way too over-sensitive about being color blind.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Those Who Can't Do, Teach

Some people say that those who can't do, teach.  I respectfully disagree.  I say that those who can't do, critique.  Sometimes, the two categories of teaching and critiquing overlap (after all, a large part of the job of a teacher is to critique).  I suspect the confusion over this slight distinction is how the more popular saying originated.  However, in my experience there are far more critics in the world who "can't do" and therefore critique, than there are teachers who "can't do" and therefore teach.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Catch More Flies With Honey Than With Vinegar

Somebody once told me that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  I try to be open-minded as much as possible, but I couldn't help but telling him how disgusting that was, seeing as even with honey it wouldn't change the fact that you'd be eating a bug that eats poop.  Some people have very odd tastes for food.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Don't Cast the First Stone

Somebody once told me that you should never cast the first stone.  I decided to take his advice, and ended up getting a concussion when someone threw a rock at my head in a fight the next week.  Sometimes, you SHOULD cast the first stone.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Carry the Ball

Back in college, some friends of mine were organizing a winter skiing trip.  When I asked who was in charge of organizing the trip, I was told that Kathy was carrying the ball.  I told the person who told me this that bringing a ball on a skiing trip could be potentially dangerous, especially when a klutz like myself is involved, and that really didn't have anything to do with my question.  Nobody from that group ever told me about any other skiing trips after that.  Some people aren't very good at safety.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Taking Coals to Newcastle

Back in college, one of my friends was dating the daughter of a florist, and he told me that he never knew what to get her for Valentine's Day, because bringing flowers to a florist's daughter was like taking coals to Newcastle.  I told him that those two things were nothing alike, since flowers are pretty and smell good, and coals not so much.  Also, his girlfriend was nothing at all like Newcastle.  Some men aren't very good at relationships.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Can't Hold a Candle To Her

Back in college, a friend was lamenting the end of his relationship with a girl when he told me that no one would ever be able to hold a candle to her.  To cheer him up, I decided to prove him wrong.  Unfortunately, I accidentally ended up setting the girl's hair on fire.  Some people use way too much hair product.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Can't Fight City Hall

Somebody once told me that you can't fight City Hall.  I decided that I would prove him wrong, so I got my boxing gloves, went down to City Hall and started punching the building.  The building didn't fight back, but I ended up breaking my wrist and having a lot of people look at me rather oddly.  Some people just aren't cut out for politics.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Called on the Carpet

One time, a co-worker of mine told me that our boss had called him on the carpet.  I was very puzzled by this information, because I couldn't see how our boss could have gotten the name "Tim" confused with "On the Carpet," which sounds like a name that would be given by those parents who name their children after the places where they're conceived.  Some people aren't very good with names at all.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Call the Shots

One time, on the first day of a new job, my new boss informed me that he called all the shots around there.  I told him that I was surprised to hear that, since I'd certainly had jobs in the past where the bosses were alcoholics, but I'd never had a job where they not only were so open about it, but encouraged it with their employees as well.  For some reason, I didn't last very long at that job.  Some people aren't very good at keeping their skeletons in the closet.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

By the Skin of Your Teeth

One time, back when I was a spy for the CIA, my partner turned to me after a narrow escape and remarked that we had made it out of that mission by the skin of our teeth.  I told him that if he had skin growing on his teeth he should really brush his teeth more often and see a dentist if it didn't get better.  Some people just don't have very good dental hygiene.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Button Her Lip

One time, during a staff meeting, a co-worker turned to me and whispered that our boss really needed to button her lip.  I replied that I'd never heard of that fetish before (I suppose it's some kind of new piercing fad where people get pierced with buttons as opposed to rings or studs), but he should probably keep those comments to himself in the workplace.  Some people are a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Butterflies in the Stomach

Back in college, I dated a girl who played the piano.  She confided in me that before recitals, she always got butterflies in her stomach.  I told her that if she stopped eating butterflies before every concert, she might not get so nauseous each time.  Some people have strange eating habits...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Butter Them Up

Back in high school, a friend told me that I should try buttering up our math teacher to try and get her to give me a better grade.  I told him that although the idea was tempting, I'd seen enough cases of student-teacher relationships on the 6:00 news to know that it rarely worked out well.  Besides, using butter sounds awfully messy.  I guess some people just don't like whipped cream.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Burying Your Head in the Sand

One time, somebody accused me of burying my head in the sand.  I told him that was silly, as there weren't any beaches for miles and miles, and even if there was a beach nearby, I was far too busy with my quest to capture the Easter Bunny and sell him to the San Francisco Zoo to be bothered with playing at the beach.  Some people just have no sense of purpose.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Bury the Hatchet

One time, a person that I didn't particularly get along with told me that it was time that we bury the hatchet.  I told him that there was no way I was going to get myself caught up as an accomplice to murder, and I immediately reported him to the police.  When I told the officer why I suspected this person of committing murder, the officer laughed at me.  It truly is sad to see "enforcers of the law" treat the law with such disdain.  Some people just don't take their jobs seriously.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Burning Your Bridges

One time, just after I had told my boss to go do something very rude to himself, a co-worker told me that I shouldn't burn my bridges.  I told him that I didn't appreciate having such slanderous rumors started about me, and that just because I quit my job that does not make me some sort of pyromaniac societal delinquent.  Some people are so judgmental.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Governor in the Mouth

Somebody once told me that she had a governor in her mouth that kept her from saying things she would later regret.  I told her that although I could see how that would get in the way of saying things, I wouldn't necessarily recommend announcing that kind of thing in public.  Some people will go to great lengths to get on the news...

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Stole Her Heart

Back in college, a girl I was dating told me that I had stolen her heart.  I told her that she'd been watching too many horror movies like "Turistas," and that I rather resented the fact that she thought I was the kinda guy who would steal her organs and sell them on the black market.  Some women have a hard time trusting men.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Home is Where the Heart Is

Somebody once told me that home is where the heart is.  Naturally, I was appalled, but I didn't want to raise his suspicion, so I told him that I hoped it was at least wrapped up and stored in a refrigerator, because otherwise, eww, and then at the first chance I got I notified the authorities.  Some murderers aren't very good at being discreet.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Letting a Bull into a China Shop

One time, a friend invited me along to their support group meeting for people who have been traumatized by other people who take things to literally.  One of our mutual friends said that inviting me to this meeting was like letting a bull into a China shop.  I told our friend that he shouldn't make racial assumptions like that, since I'm sure there would be more than just Chinese people at the meeting, and that I also didn't appreciate being compared to a big, ugly, sweaty, bovine.  Some people don't make very good friends.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Bug Someone Else

One time when we were kids, my sister snapped at me to go bug someone else.  I was a little confused, since I hadn't been throwing bugs at her at all, but I realized that wasn't a bad idea, so I started collecting various cockroaches, beetles, etc. to throw at her the next time I felt like annoying her.  Sisters can, from time to time, prove to be helpful and inspirational after all.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Bring Home The Bacon

A co-worker of mine once complained that he was having trouble bringing home the bacon.  I told him that I didn't see why that was a problem, seeing as his wife was a vegan and all.  Some people really need to get to know their spouses better.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Bring Down the House

Back in college, I dated a girl who was into the theatrical arts.  One night before a performance, she told me that she was planning on bringing down the house that night.  I couldn't believe it.  She was such a sweet person, I never would have imagined that she was a terrorist.  Naturally, I reported her to the authorities.  For some reason, they decided to let her go, after which she refused to talk to me ever again.  I guess it's true when they say that Hell hath no fury like that of a terrorist scorned.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Blue Blood

Back in college, a friend told me that the girl I was currently dating was a real blue blood.  I told him that I didn't know where he got off making accusations like that about me dating aliens from Pandora, but I knew for a fact that her blood was perfectly normal and red because she had cut herself while chopping celery for dinner the week before and I had helped her bandage the wound.  Some people read "The National Enquirer" WAY too often...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Blow Your Own Horn

Somebody once accused me of blowing my own horn.  I told him that A) I've never played any instrument other than those plastic recorder things in elementary school, let alone an actual horn; 2) even if I did play the horn, I most certainly would hope that I was blowing my own instead of somebody else's, 'cause, eww; and III) EWWWWWW.  Some people have no sense of good hygiene.

Monday, February 7, 2011

In Stitches

Someone once told me that they bet I keep my wife, Besty, in stitches.  I told them that was a totally unfounded accusation, as I have never abused any woman I've ever dated or married.  Betsy and I are both very clutzy people, and as a result we both usually have more than our own share of stitches between the two of us, but neither of us have ever intentionally hurt the other.  Some people just always assume the worst of other people.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Blood is Thicker Than Water

One time, my uncle told me that blood is thicker than water.  For some reason, the judge never believed me when I told him that my uncle was a vampire (of the evil, non-sparkly variety) and that I was acting out the best interests of society when I staked him.  Some people have no respect for the threat that the Undead poses to society.  I blame Stephanie Meyer.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Blind Leading the Blind

Somebody once told me that my lecture on not taking things too literally was like the blind leading the blind.  I snapped at him and told him that I can't help it if I have poor genetics in the vision department, and that he really should be more sensitive towards people's handicaps.  Some people have absolutely no sense of how to be PC.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld

Today I am going to break away for a bit from the usual Flayed Cliche topic of this blog, in order to discuss something very serious that we all should be aware of: Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld (MELFU's).  MELFU's account for almost 90% of unexplained disappearances of humans and pets (except for gerbil pets, MELFU's can't STAND the taste of gerbils) worldwide.

Now, with all of the wintry weather occurring in various parts of the world, I have heard many people complaining about snow, ice-rain, and just generally shitty, cold weather.  This is understandable, but I must point out that on the whole, this weather is still preferable to fiery comets of lava ridden by Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld.  See, there's a bright side to every situation.

One must always tread carefully in the presence of llamas. Most of them are just normal, Earth-born llamas, but in every herd there's almost always at least one MELFU.

What makes the MELFU's so dangerous, is that they look almost exactly like regular llamas - the only real way to tell the difference is that sometimes they can be sloppy eaters (and let's face it, we all like to do that every once in a while, so we can't really hold that against them - the whole man-eating thing however...) and they'll leave traces of human entrails down their fronts, or bits of children bones get stuck in their fur, or fingernails stuck in their teeth. That's really the only hope you have of distinguishing them apart from normal llamas.  Other than, of course, waiting to see if it eats you or not.

So please, tread carefully.  I am super serial when I say that we all must be wary of the MELFU's, less they claim us and our children as their victims in the night.  Sure, your friendly neighborhood llama may look like just your everyday, garden-variety llama, but is it really worth the risk to wait until it has eaten your children to know if it was a MELFU? I think not.

Thank you, and I hope that I might have helped the world be just a little bit safer by spreading MELFU awareness.  Hopefully, someday, we will be able to proudly celebrate the month of February as International MELFU Awareness Month.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Bleeding Heart

Somebody once told me that my wife, Betsy, was a bleeding heart.  I panicked, grabbed Betsy, and rushed her to the emergency room.  After the doctors had finished checking her out, they assured me that Betsy's heart was not bleeding.  Some people have a real sick idea of a practical joke.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Black Sheep of the Family

My mother once referred to my Evil Twin, Kram, as the black sheep of the family.  Naturally, I was rather shocked and disgusted, for although it certainly explained Kram's allergy to wool and his insistence on being a vegetarian, I really did not need to know that my parents had experimented with bestiality.  I had been perfectly happy living in my ignorant delusion that this was only done by lonely Welsh shepherds, and not my old folks.  Some parents are WAY too open with their children.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bite the Bullet

One time back in college, a classmate of mine was stressed out over a test that he hadn't prepared for, and shortly before the exam began he told me that it was time to bite the bullet.  I told him that biting a bullet would be a pretty lame attempt at getting out of a test.  Sure, he'd probably end up chipping at least a couple of teeth and would have to go to the dentist's for an emergency visit, but he'd still have to take the test eventually.  Plus, if the bullet casing broke, he'd end up with a mouthful of gunpowder, and that's just nasty.  Some people will do anything to get out of taking a test.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Better Half

One time, a friend told me that he was going to have to check with his better half before making plans for Saturday night.  I told him that I had never realized that he was also a twin.  I also told him that my twin - Kram Sheldon - was the Evil one and I was the Good one, and that Kram never bothers to check with me first before making plans.  Some Evil twins just have no respect for their better halves.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Behind the Eight Ball

A former boss once warned me that I was behind the eight ball.  I told him that I found it highly inappropriate of him not only to make racial slurs against Kevin, the office's token African-American, like that, but also to be starting false rumors about my sexuality.  Some people have absolutely no sense of office etiquette.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

Somebody once told me that beggars can't be choosers.  I told him that was really insensitive toward homeless people.  Just because they don't have a home doesn't mean that they are incapable of thinking for themselves and making choices.  Some people have no compassion for their fellow human beings.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Bed of Roses

A new hire at one of my jobs once told me that compared to his old job, this job was a bed of roses.  I told him that he might want to consider a Serta or one of those space-foam mattresses, since I couldn't imagine how getting poked in the back by sharp thorns all night would provide any kind of productive sleeping.  Some people are just WAY too much into pain.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve

Somebody once told me that he was the type of person who wears his heart on his sleeve.  I told him that not only did that sound rather painful and extremely messy, but that I was pretty sure his heart wouldn't function pinned to his arm.  Perhaps he was a serial killer and meant to say that he wears the hearts of his victims on his sleeve.  Either way, some people have very strange fashion senses.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Wag the Dog

Back during my brief stint as an Evil Henchman, my boss, Mr. Mastermind, told us Evil Henchmen that we needed to wag the dog.  I spoke up and told him that I knew we were supposed to be evil and all, but bestiality was taking things a little too far, and that it certainly hadn't been listed in the job description.  There are some jobs that really aren't worth the paycheck.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Variety is the Spice of Life

Somebody once told me that variety is the spice of life.  Ever since that conversation, I have traveled the world high, low, near and far.  I have searched the depths of the Marianna Trench to the peak of Mount Everest.  I have seen things that will make your toenails curl.  But I have not yet found a spice named "variety," so I have instead been forced to settle for nutmeg to be the spice of life.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Use Your Loaf

I was once shopping for groceries at the supermarket when I got into an argument with someone over which of us should get to have the last box of pickled chocolate donuts.  In the heat of the argument, he told me that I needed to use my loaf.  I thought this was a strange suggestion, but I took his advice and began beating him over the head with the loaf of bread I had in my cart.  Guess who ended up with the donuts?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

You Are What You Eat

Somebody once told me that you are what you eat.  I told him that was stupid.  If that was true, then if I were to eat Stephen King, I would be the most successful American horror writer of all time.  As is, if I were to eat Stephen King, I would be arrested and thrown in jail where I would become bunk mates with Ignacio "Fluffy" Passacaglia and I would have to give up using soap out of fear of dropping it.  Some people just have no sense of reality.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Under the Weather

Somebody once told me that he was feeling under the weather.  I told him that I'd heard of all sorts of weird fetishes before, and I generally try to be open-minded about such things, but that was just weird - not to mention that I couldn't really picture (and didn't want to, for that matter) how that would work.  Some people are just WAY too into nature.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Turn a Blind Eye

Somebody once accused me of turning a blind eye.  I snapped at him that A) Just because someone wears glasses does not make them blind, 2) even if I was blind, he shouldn't discriminate against people's handicaps, and III) turning an eye - blind or not - sounds like an altogether gross and rather painful thing to do.  Some people are so insensitive.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Tongue and Cheek

Someone once told me that he was speaking tongue in cheek.  I told him that he'd better be careful doing that, because not only could he very potentially end up biting his tongue, but he was also running the risk of attracting a Priest to start throwing Holy Water at him and yelling, "The Power of Christ compels you!" On top of all that, he might be mistaken for a gay porn star and, having bitten his tongue off, he wouldn't be able to correct the case of mistaken identity.  Some people don't think things out very well before acting.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Steal His Thunder

Someone once told me that he was planning on stealing the thunder of our co-worker, Pubert.  I told him that I hadn't realized that Pubert was the god Zeus (although, that certainly did explain how he had such a way with women with a name like Pubert), but I was pretty sure that would be a bad idea.  Zeus doesn't like it when his lightning bolt is stolen.  Just read Percy Jackson.  Some people I guess just like to live dangerously.