Sunday, January 30, 2011

Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld

Today I am going to break away for a bit from the usual Flayed Cliche topic of this blog, in order to discuss something very serious that we all should be aware of: Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld (MELFU's).  MELFU's account for almost 90% of unexplained disappearances of humans and pets (except for gerbil pets, MELFU's can't STAND the taste of gerbils) worldwide.

Now, with all of the wintry weather occurring in various parts of the world, I have heard many people complaining about snow, ice-rain, and just generally shitty, cold weather.  This is understandable, but I must point out that on the whole, this weather is still preferable to fiery comets of lava ridden by Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld.  See, there's a bright side to every situation.

One must always tread carefully in the presence of llamas. Most of them are just normal, Earth-born llamas, but in every herd there's almost always at least one MELFU.

What makes the MELFU's so dangerous, is that they look almost exactly like regular llamas - the only real way to tell the difference is that sometimes they can be sloppy eaters (and let's face it, we all like to do that every once in a while, so we can't really hold that against them - the whole man-eating thing however...) and they'll leave traces of human entrails down their fronts, or bits of children bones get stuck in their fur, or fingernails stuck in their teeth. That's really the only hope you have of distinguishing them apart from normal llamas.  Other than, of course, waiting to see if it eats you or not.

So please, tread carefully.  I am super serial when I say that we all must be wary of the MELFU's, less they claim us and our children as their victims in the night.  Sure, your friendly neighborhood llama may look like just your everyday, garden-variety llama, but is it really worth the risk to wait until it has eaten your children to know if it was a MELFU? I think not.

Thank you, and I hope that I might have helped the world be just a little bit safer by spreading MELFU awareness.  Hopefully, someday, we will be able to proudly celebrate the month of February as International MELFU Awareness Month.

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