Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Money Makes the World Go Round

Somebody once told me that money makes the world go round.  I pointed out to him that, technically speaking, it would be physics that makes the world go round, seeing as the Earth would keep on spinnin' if all of the money in the world spontaneously combusted tomorrow.  Some people aren't very good with science.

Friday, August 26, 2011

You Slay Me

One time, after reading one of my flayed cliches, a friend told me that I slay her.  I told her that I would appreciate it if she didn't spread such vicious, hurtful rumors about me, as I have never killed a living soul in my life (unless you count cockroaches, but I am fairly convinced those monsters are soul-less) and have no intention of slaying her or anyone else.  Some people watch too many horror movies.

Monday, August 22, 2011

What You Don't Know Can't Hurt You

A former roommate once told me that what you don't know can't hurt you.  To prove him wrong, I slipped an entire bottle of Miralax into his Gatorade.  When he finally emerged from the bathroom, I told him what I had done and asked if not knowing about it didn't hurt him.  He moved out the next day.  Some people can't admit when they've been proven wrong.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Get a Kick Out of It

Somebody once told me that he got a real kick out of reading my flayed cliches, so I don't understand why he got so irritated when I kicked him. Some people are often disappointed when they get what they ask for.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Full of Beans

Back in high school, a friend told me that the head of the cheer leading squad was full of beans.  From that point on, I made a point not to sit behind her in class, just to be on the safe side.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

From Soup To Nuts

One time, just before the commencement of a talent show, the organizer of the talent show said to me, "We've got everything imaginable in this show, from soup to nuts." Naturally, I was intrigued to find out what kind of talent soup and nuts would be able to display, so I bought a ticket. Therefore, I was quite disappointed to find that there were not, in fact, any soup OR nuts featured in the contest, just a bunch of bratty kids playing "Heart and Soul" on the piano and doing interpretive dances of "Pokerface." Some people have no scruples when it comes to false advertising.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Four Corners of the Earth

One time my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that one day people would come from the four corners of the Earth to grovel at his feet.  I told him that he really ought to get caught up on current events, as it was proven over five hundred years ago that the Earth is, in fact, round.  Some people aren't very good at science and history.