Wednesday, May 25, 2011
The other day, a friend called me up to complain about how she hadn't gotten the role she wanted in a local play production. She told me that she was really eating her heart out over it. I told her that although that would be a good source of iron, I really wouldn't recommend doing that as she would cease to live. Apparently she took Sunday's episode of "Game of Thrones" WAY too seriously. Some people have a hard time telling the difference between fiction and reality.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Somebody once told me that if his team didn't win the baseball game that weekend, he would eat his hat. I told him that he should probably wash his hat before eating it, since I'm sure it would be pretty gross, and sweaty, and quite likely might also have some hair in it. Some people have weird superstitions when it comes to sports.
Friday, May 20, 2011
A friend of mine recently complained to me that his teenage son is eating him out of house and home. I told him that he really should discourage his son from eating their house, because although I'm sure it's a great source of fiber, there's all sorts of chemicals in the paint, finish, etc. that could be really dangerous to digest. Some parents aren't very good about monitoring their kids' diets.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
A friend once told me that my Evil Twin, Kram, could use a bite or two of humble pie. I asked him what region that pie hails from, as I'd never heard of it before. I'd tried apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and even pickled cottage cheese pie, but never tried a humble pie. Some people are very well-versed in the foods of the world.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Somebody once told me that learning how to mold clay was as easy as rolling off a log. I pointed out to him that if he's getting soaked and occasionally attacked by leeches while molding clay, he's doing something wrong. Some people have weird hobbies.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Back in college, one of my classmates once told me that passing our English class was going to be as easy as pie. I asked him whether he meant easy as eating pie, or making pie, because I had tried to make a pie before and ended up almost burning the house down. Eating pie, however, is rather easy as long as the pie tastes good, but if it tastes bad then it could be very difficult, especially if the baker of the pie is someone you don't want to offend. He looked at me oddly and walked away. Some people get very touchy when it comes to food.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
One time, after a friend's grandmother had died, the friend told me that his grandmother had been dyed in the wool. I do my best to be respectful of other cultures' traditions and what-not, but I couldn't help but point out that this sounded like a very odd way to mummify someone. He punched me in the face and stomped away. Some people are very odd about burial traditions.
Monday, May 9, 2011
One time, back in college, I asked a girl out on a date, and she said that she wanted to go Dutch treat. I thought this was a rather odd and specific request, but after some research I found a Dutch bakery in town and took her there, so I don't understand why she got so irritated about me wanting to pay. I've said it before and I'll say it again; women are strange.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
One time, when I was suffering from insomnia, a friend suggested that I try counting sheep. I thought this was strange advice, but nonetheless when I couldn't sleep that night, I got in my car, and drove around looking for a sheep farm. In a sense, I guess it worked since I eventually fell asleep at the wheel after several hours of looking for such a farm, but seeing as I ended up totaling my car, I can't help but think there must be a better way to get some sleep.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A friend once told me that his girlfriend had dropped him like a hot potato. I told him that he was probably better off, since it sounded like she wasn't very bright and pretty clumsy, if she had him confused with a potato and dropped him. Plus, if that's how she handles all her food, I wouldn't want to eat any of her cooking, 5 second rule or not. Some people aren't very good about being sanitary in the kitchen.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Back in high school, a friend once told me that he'd been saving his money for college for most of his life, but he still only had a drop in the bucket. I told him that if he was planning on paying for college with drops of water, he was going to be sorely disappointed, as I never heard of a institution that accepted water was payment. Some people aren't very good with finances.