Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
A friend once told me that his heart was in his mouth when he got to the top of the roller coaster at Six Flags. Naturally, I got my hands on the nearest chainsaw and cut my friend's head off. For some reason, the police didn't believe me when I told them that my friend was a zombie and I was simply trying to prevent the spread of the infection. Some people just can't recognize the signs of Zombification until their own hearts are being eaten.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
One time, after I thwarted my Evil Twin brother's latest scheme to take over the world with an army of zombified lemurs, I told Kram through the bars of his cell that nothing would make me happier than if we could just get along for once. He replied that I couldn't have my cake and eat it, too. To prove him wrong, I went down to the nearest Ralph's, bought a Carvel ice cream cake, brought it back to his cell, and ate it in front of him. I guess some siblings will always be rivals.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Somebody once told me that my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, has a real screw loose. I told him that in fact my brother had several screws loose on his latest invention - a device that would allow him to control the minds of bandicoots and use them in his latest scheme to take over Australia - as I had loosened them myself. He looked at me oddly, and slowly walked away. I guess he had been hoping to take credit for loosening Kram's screws. Some people have no scruples when it comes to claiming credit for another person's hard work.
Friday, February 24, 2012
One time, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that he had a bone to pick with me. I told him that what he did with the victims of his various nefarious schemes of World Domination was his own damn business, and that I would have no part of it. He mumbled something that sounded like an ancient Mesopotamian curse, and stalked away. Some family members have a hard time understanding when you don't want to be more involved in their personal line of work.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Back in high school, a friend told me that our upcoming math test was going to be a tough nut to crack. I pointed out that it actually most likely wouldn't be that hard to crack, as it was more than likely no more than a few pages, so it would be a fairly simple matter just to rip the paper - but then he probably would have a hard time at getting a good grade if he were to do that. Some people just aren't very good at taking tests.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
A former boss once told me that I should be careful, because I was hanging by a thread. I told him that it was better to be hanging by a thread than some other form of more substantial rope, since a string of thread would be quite likely to break if someone tried to hang you with it. Some people aren't very good at threats.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
One time, when I was going through something of a rough period, someone told me to hang in there. I told him that I wasn't that depressed, and even if I were, hanging really wouldn't be my preferred mode of departure from this plane of existence. Some people are really terrible at counseling those who are feeling a little down.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
One time, a co-worker warned me that talking to our boss about a pay raise should be handled with kid gloves. I told my co-worker that if our boss was into that kind of thing, someone really should report him to the authorities. Some people will do anything to get a raise.