Keep an Eye On It

One time back in middle school, I was helping my mother in the kitchen to prepare for our Halloween party.  She told me to keep an eye on the oven for her while it cooked.  I sure as heck wasn't going to use my own eye, so I went around the neighborhood, looking for a dead squirrel, or cat or something.  I couldn't find one, unfortunately, and when I got back, my mother was yelling at me about letting the dinner burn.  I pointed out that she knows I can't multi-task and that she shouldn't have sent me off looking for eyes if she wanted me to keep the food from burning.  After that, I wasn't allowed back in the kitchen.

It's a Small World

Somebody once told me that it's a small world.  I told him that I think his idea of "small" might need some tinkering, as the world's circumference is 24,901 miles, its diameter is 7,926, and it weighs 6,585,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.  Some people just have no sense of proportion.  I can't help wondering if he was possessed by those evil puppets at Disneyland, making a twisted attempt for World Domination...

Reach Out and Touch Someone

Somebody once told me I should reach out and touch someone.  I took his advice.  I would NOT recommend doing this, unless you want a healthy slap across the face and a restraining order filed against you.  If that's what you're into, however, by all means do it.

Icing on the Cake

Someone once told me that the promotion he'd just received was just icing on the cake.  I got very upset with him, because he hadn't told me anything about cake before that, and he very obviously hadn't saved a piece for me and I told him that he should have brought enough for everybody.  Some people just have no manners.

Joshing

Somebody at a party once told me that he suspected I was Joshing him when I asked him to go get some more beer out of the cellar where, little did he know it, one of our friends was waiting in a pink gorilla costume (the costume store was unfortunately out of regular gorilla costumes and the only other option would have been a giraffe costume, and giraffe's really aren't that scary) to jump out at him.  I reminded him that my name is Mark, not Josh.  Some people are just terrible with names.

Hold Your Horses

An employee once told me that I needed to hold my horses.  I told him that as I do not own any horses, I was unable to hold them, but that was neither here nor there as he was already three days late in delivering to me his report on whether or not the popularity and consumption of Swiss Cheese is affected by changes in the environment including, but not limited to, acid rain levels.  Absolutely NOTHING to do with horses.  Cows, perhaps, but definitely not horses.  Unless, of course, he drank horse milk.  But that's just weird.

Hit the Hay

An old girlfriend from back in college said to me one night that it was time to hit the hay.  I was rather tired, and we were in Boston so there weren't exactly very many farms nearby, but I do try to be spontaneous, so I pulled her out of bed and out to the car (even though it was her idea to do this, she seemed to have changed her mind), threw a couple of shovels in the trunk, and we drove out to Western Mass., found a farm, and started hitting the hay.  Sometimes, I miss the college years.

Hit The Books

Back in college, a friend advised me that if I was going to pass our history test, I was going to really need to hit the books.  I thought this was strange advice, but I decided it was worth a try.  For extra measure, I used a baseball bat.  I still flunked the test.  Some people don't make very good friends.

High on the Hog

A friend from high school did very well for himself out in the real world.  At our high school reunion, he described himself as high on the hog.  I'd heard of smoking bacon before, but I hadn't realized that's what they meant.  Rich people have very strange vices...

Lost His Head

A friend in college once told me that he'd lost his head at a party on Saturday night.  I looked at him oddly and told him his head was right where it always was, right on top of his neck between his shoulders.  I even held up a mirror for him to prove it.  Some people are so vain that they'll resort to really strange tactics in order to get someone to hold a mirror for them to look into.

Graveyard Shift

Back in college, I got hired for a job at a hotel.  The manager told me that I would be working the graveyard shift.  I thought this was odd, but went along with it, so I really don't understand why they fired me, claiming I never showed up to work.  Oh well, it was a rather boring job anyway, just sitting around a graveyard all night.

Go Out On A Limb

Somebody once told me that I should try going out on a limb every once in a while.  I took his advice, and the effin' limb broke.  I fell twenty feet (hitting many other limbs on the way down) and nearly broke my neck.  I don't like trees anymore.

A Bird in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush

A girl I went to college with once told me that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.  I told her that while it really wasn't any of my business, and I try to be open-minded about other people's kinks, I just couldn't see how that would be enjoyable (even, or especially, if it was a humming bird), not to mention that it's rather sick to do that to a helpless bird.  There is a such thing as having too much of a love for animals...

Give Him The Slip

Back in high school, a friend of mine was being chased by a bully.  After a narrow escape, my friend told me that he had given him, the bully, the slip.  I said to him, "Well, that certainly explains why he was trying to beat you up.  Going around giving women's undergarments to meat-heads like that is just asking for trouble."

Shit-faced

Back in college, a friend told me that he was planning on getting shit-faced that weekend.  I told him that if he was into that kind of thing, that was his own business, but he could count me out, and I certainly didn't want to hear about it, thank you very much.  Some people need to learn how to keep their personal fetishes to themselves...

The Wrong Side of the Bed

 Someone once told me that he had gotten up on the wrong side of the bed that morning.  I pointed out to him that seeing as there are only four sides of the bed - and that at least one of those sides is more than likely against a wall - then it really should be a simple matter of elimination to determine which is the right side to get up on, and that if he's getting up on the side where the wall is, then that's really nobody's fault but his own.  And that's not even going into if he had one of those '70's-style circular porno beds with the satin leopard-print sheets...

Funny Farm

Someone once told me that if I didn't get my act together, "they" were going to ship me off to the funny farm.  I've always liked animals, and although I've never seen them do stand-up comedy before, I would think that would be, at the very least, rather entertaining to witness, so I couldn't really see how that would be any kind of punishment.  Perhaps he was lactose intolerant...

Flash in the Pan

An ex-girlfriend once told me that I was a flash in the pan.  This left me rather confused, as I had not flashed her - in this particular instance - and we were not cooking.  I told her that while I try to be open-minded in the bedroom, if she tried to fry me in a pan, whether I was flashing her or not, that would definitely be crossing the line.  Some women have really strange fetishes...

Finding Your Feet

A new hire at a job I used to work at confided in me, after a few weeks, that he was starting to find his feet.  Puzzled and concerned, I went to my supervisor and explained that I was worried about the new guy.  After all, if he was only just now finding his feet at twenty-something years old, he might not be the most qualified person for the job of a shoe salesman.  To this day, I still wonder how long it took for him to find his hands...

Everything But the Kitchen Sink

One time, I was shopping for a new car.  The dealer told me that the car I was currently looking at came with everything but the kitchen sink.  I couldn't help but think that this certainly explained why there are so many accidents on the roads these days, if people are doing their cooking and dishes while driving, now.  I understand that some people think that convenience is a luxury, but that's just really taking things too far.

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

Someone once told me that every cloud has a silver lining.  I told him not to be ridiculous, because silver is heavy, so if that was true there'd be silver falling out of the sky all the time, not to mention the damage it would do to airplanes that fly through the clouds everyday.  Apparently, he wasn't familiar with Newton and physics...

Dry Run

I have mentioned previously that I used to date a girl who was involved in theatrical arts.  Well, one time when she was in the midst of rehearsals for a show, she told me that they were going to do a dry run that night.  I thought this was a rather odd thing for them to be doing, so close to the show's opening, and told her that they really should be rehearsing rather than exercising.  However, I did add that at least they were running dry, because otherwise they would risk getting sick (not to mention that they would have to look into getting the roof of the theater patched so that it didn't leak anymore).  She didn't talk to me for a week after that.  Women are strange.

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Out of Pocket

Somebody once told me that she was going to be out of pocket for a while.  I looked at her oddly and said she wasn't nearly tiny enough to fit inside anyone's pocket, she'd have to be Stuart Little size for that to work.  Unless, of course, it was a giant's pocket, but last I checked there haven't been any proven cases of giants existing, so that makes for a rather moot point anyway.  Some people just have no sense of proportion...

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Drink Like a Fish

Back in college, a friend once told me that he planned to drink like a fish on Saturday night.  I told him that was kinda gross.  After, fish go to the bathroom in the water they drink.  For some reason, he didn't invite me to that party on Saturday...

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

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Don't Put All Your Eggs in One Basket

Someone once told me that I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket.  I looked at him, confused, and pointed out that A) I'd already given up on chicken farming after having my fingers pecked from counting my chickens after they hatched; 2) It wasn't Easter; and III) Considering the fact that I only have two hands and one mouth, there are only so many baskets I can carry at one time, and if you can fit them all in one basket that's a lot more economical anyway.  Some people just like to make things difficult.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!