Sunday, January 30, 2011

Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld

Today I am going to break away for a bit from the usual Flayed Cliche topic of this blog, in order to discuss something very serious that we all should be aware of: Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld (MELFU's).  MELFU's account for almost 90% of unexplained disappearances of humans and pets (except for gerbil pets, MELFU's can't STAND the taste of gerbils) worldwide.

Now, with all of the wintry weather occurring in various parts of the world, I have heard many people complaining about snow, ice-rain, and just generally shitty, cold weather.  This is understandable, but I must point out that on the whole, this weather is still preferable to fiery comets of lava ridden by Man-Eating Llamas From the Underworld.  See, there's a bright side to every situation.

One must always tread carefully in the presence of llamas. Most of them are just normal, Earth-born llamas, but in every herd there's almost always at least one MELFU.

What makes the MELFU's so dangerous, is that they look almost exactly like regular llamas - the only real way to tell the difference is that sometimes they can be sloppy eaters (and let's face it, we all like to do that every once in a while, so we can't really hold that against them - the whole man-eating thing however...) and they'll leave traces of human entrails down their fronts, or bits of children bones get stuck in their fur, or fingernails stuck in their teeth. That's really the only hope you have of distinguishing them apart from normal llamas.  Other than, of course, waiting to see if it eats you or not.

So please, tread carefully.  I am super serial when I say that we all must be wary of the MELFU's, less they claim us and our children as their victims in the night.  Sure, your friendly neighborhood llama may look like just your everyday, garden-variety llama, but is it really worth the risk to wait until it has eaten your children to know if it was a MELFU? I think not.

Thank you, and I hope that I might have helped the world be just a little bit safer by spreading MELFU awareness.  Hopefully, someday, we will be able to proudly celebrate the month of February as International MELFU Awareness Month.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Bleeding Heart

Somebody once told me that my wife, Betsy, was a bleeding heart.  I panicked, grabbed Betsy, and rushed her to the emergency room.  After the doctors had finished checking her out, they assured me that Betsy's heart was not bleeding.  Some people have a real sick idea of a practical joke.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Black Sheep of the Family

My mother once referred to my Evil Twin, Kram, as the black sheep of the family.  Naturally, I was rather shocked and disgusted, for although it certainly explained Kram's allergy to wool and his insistence on being a vegetarian, I really did not need to know that my parents had experimented with bestiality.  I had been perfectly happy living in my ignorant delusion that this was only done by lonely Welsh shepherds, and not my old folks.  Some parents are WAY too open with their children.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Bite the Bullet

One time back in college, a classmate of mine was stressed out over a test that he hadn't prepared for, and shortly before the exam began he told me that it was time to bite the bullet.  I told him that biting a bullet would be a pretty lame attempt at getting out of a test.  Sure, he'd probably end up chipping at least a couple of teeth and would have to go to the dentist's for an emergency visit, but he'd still have to take the test eventually.  Plus, if the bullet casing broke, he'd end up with a mouthful of gunpowder, and that's just nasty.  Some people will do anything to get out of taking a test.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Better Half

One time, a friend told me that he was going to have to check with his better half before making plans for Saturday night.  I told him that I had never realized that he was also a twin.  I also told him that my twin - Kram Sheldon - was the Evil one and I was the Good one, and that Kram never bothers to check with me first before making plans.  Some Evil twins just have no respect for their better halves.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Behind the Eight Ball

A former boss once warned me that I was behind the eight ball.  I told him that I found it highly inappropriate of him not only to make racial slurs against Kevin, the office's token African-American, like that, but also to be starting false rumors about my sexuality.  Some people have absolutely no sense of office etiquette.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Beggars Can't Be Choosers

Somebody once told me that beggars can't be choosers.  I told him that was really insensitive toward homeless people.  Just because they don't have a home doesn't mean that they are incapable of thinking for themselves and making choices.  Some people have no compassion for their fellow human beings.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Bed of Roses

A new hire at one of my jobs once told me that compared to his old job, this job was a bed of roses.  I told him that he might want to consider a Serta or one of those space-foam mattresses, since I couldn't imagine how getting poked in the back by sharp thorns all night would provide any kind of productive sleeping.  Some people are just WAY too much into pain.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Wear Your Heart On Your Sleeve

Somebody once told me that he was the type of person who wears his heart on his sleeve.  I told him that not only did that sound rather painful and extremely messy, but that I was pretty sure his heart wouldn't function pinned to his arm.  Perhaps he was a serial killer and meant to say that he wears the hearts of his victims on his sleeve.  Either way, some people have very strange fashion senses.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Wag the Dog

Back during my brief stint as an Evil Henchman, my boss, Mr. Mastermind, told us Evil Henchmen that we needed to wag the dog.  I spoke up and told him that I knew we were supposed to be evil and all, but bestiality was taking things a little too far, and that it certainly hadn't been listed in the job description.  There are some jobs that really aren't worth the paycheck.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Variety is the Spice of Life

Somebody once told me that variety is the spice of life.  Ever since that conversation, I have traveled the world high, low, near and far.  I have searched the depths of the Marianna Trench to the peak of Mount Everest.  I have seen things that will make your toenails curl.  But I have not yet found a spice named "variety," so I have instead been forced to settle for nutmeg to be the spice of life.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Use Your Loaf

I was once shopping for groceries at the supermarket when I got into an argument with someone over which of us should get to have the last box of pickled chocolate donuts.  In the heat of the argument, he told me that I needed to use my loaf.  I thought this was a strange suggestion, but I took his advice and began beating him over the head with the loaf of bread I had in my cart.  Guess who ended up with the donuts?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

You Are What You Eat

Somebody once told me that you are what you eat.  I told him that was stupid.  If that was true, then if I were to eat Stephen King, I would be the most successful American horror writer of all time.  As is, if I were to eat Stephen King, I would be arrested and thrown in jail where I would become bunk mates with Ignacio "Fluffy" Passacaglia and I would have to give up using soap out of fear of dropping it.  Some people just have no sense of reality.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Under the Weather

Somebody once told me that he was feeling under the weather.  I told him that I'd heard of all sorts of weird fetishes before, and I generally try to be open-minded about such things, but that was just weird - not to mention that I couldn't really picture (and didn't want to, for that matter) how that would work.  Some people are just WAY too into nature.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Turn a Blind Eye

Somebody once accused me of turning a blind eye.  I snapped at him that A) Just because someone wears glasses does not make them blind, 2) even if I was blind, he shouldn't discriminate against people's handicaps, and III) turning an eye - blind or not - sounds like an altogether gross and rather painful thing to do.  Some people are so insensitive.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Tongue and Cheek

Someone once told me that he was speaking tongue in cheek.  I told him that he'd better be careful doing that, because not only could he very potentially end up biting his tongue, but he was also running the risk of attracting a Priest to start throwing Holy Water at him and yelling, "The Power of Christ compels you!" On top of all that, he might be mistaken for a gay porn star and, having bitten his tongue off, he wouldn't be able to correct the case of mistaken identity.  Some people don't think things out very well before acting.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Steal His Thunder

Someone once told me that he was planning on stealing the thunder of our co-worker, Pubert.  I told him that I hadn't realized that Pubert was the god Zeus (although, that certainly did explain how he had such a way with women with a name like Pubert), but I was pretty sure that would be a bad idea.  Zeus doesn't like it when his lightning bolt is stolen.  Just read Percy Jackson.  Some people I guess just like to live dangerously.