Thursday, March 31, 2011

People Who Live in Glass Houses Shouldn't Throw Stones

People often say that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but not very many people live in glass houses, so saying that is kind of silly.  It makes more sense to say that people who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass, because you could end up stepping on the broken glass and have to go to the emergency room and get stitches.

Come Again?

One time, when I was giving a presentation in class, one of my classmates interrupted me and asked me to come again.  I told him that was entirely inappropriate, not to mention extremely rude as it showed that he was not at all paying any attention to my lecture.  Some people only have one-track minds.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Cold Turkey

Somebody once told me that the reason he was crabby was because he was quitting smoking cold turkey.  I told him that I didn't realize that one could smoke a turkey, and that I wasn't sure how one would keep the turkey cold after lighting it.  Also, that just sounds like a good recipe for food poisoning.  Some people have very strange vices.

Cold Feet

One time, I was the best man for my cousin's wedding.  The night before the wedding, he told me that he thought he was getting cold feet.  I told him that Caroline, the maid of honor, had some warm, fuzzy socks that would probably help with that, and so I sent him to borrow some from her.  For some reason, neither he nor Caroline showed up at the wedding the next day.  Some people aren't very good at keeping appointments.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Close Shave

Back in elementary school, a friend told me that he'd had a close shave when he almost got caught going up the wrong side of the slide by the principal.  I told him that A) he was WAY too young to be shaving, 2) the slide only had two sides, so if he couldn't figure out which one was the right one, that was pretty sad, and III) if he was shaving WHILE going on the slide (and on the wrong side, at that), then he really was just asking for a trip to the emergency room.  Some kids aren't very bright.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Clip Your Wings

Back when I was a youngin', my father told me that if I didn't start behaving, he was going to clip my wings.  I told him that was a silly threat to make, seeing as if I had wings I'd be able to fly out of reach of him so he wouldn't be able to clip them.  He grounded me for a week.  Some parents aren't very good at being proven wrong.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Clean as a Whistle

Somebody once told me that his apartment was as clean as a whistle.  I told him that couldn't be very clean, since people put their mouths on whistles, and the mouth is supposedly one of the dirtiest areas of the human body.  Some people are just plain messy.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Chickens Come Home to Roost

Somebody once told me that I should be careful what I say, because chickens come home to roost.  I told him that unless the CIA was using chickens for espionage, then I didn't really see how it mattered where they went to roost.  Some people are really overly-paranoid.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Chewing His Cud

One time, when I was younger, my mother told me not to bother my father as he was chewing his cud.  For the life of me, I couldn't understand why he would want to chew on something so disgusting, especially since mom had a perfectly tasty-smelling pot-roast cooking in the oven.  Parents are odd.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Chewing up the Scenery

Back in college, I dated a girl who was involved in the theatrical arts.  One night after a performance, she was complaining to me about one of her co-stars chewing up the scenery.  I told her that while I could see how that may be a good source of fiber, I would think that it would cause rather major digestive issues.  She scowled at me and refused to talk to me for the rest of the night.  Women are strange.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Caught Red Handed

A teacher once told me that she had caught me red handed stealing the cookie from the cookie jar.  I told her that my hands weren't red, they were kinda palish pink.  She put me in detention.  Some people are way too over-sensitive about being color blind.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Those Who Can't Do, Teach

Some people say that those who can't do, teach.  I respectfully disagree.  I say that those who can't do, critique.  Sometimes, the two categories of teaching and critiquing overlap (after all, a large part of the job of a teacher is to critique).  I suspect the confusion over this slight distinction is how the more popular saying originated.  However, in my experience there are far more critics in the world who "can't do" and therefore critique, than there are teachers who "can't do" and therefore teach.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Catch More Flies With Honey Than With Vinegar

Somebody once told me that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.  I try to be open-minded as much as possible, but I couldn't help but telling him how disgusting that was, seeing as even with honey it wouldn't change the fact that you'd be eating a bug that eats poop.  Some people have very odd tastes for food.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Don't Cast the First Stone

Somebody once told me that you should never cast the first stone.  I decided to take his advice, and ended up getting a concussion when someone threw a rock at my head in a fight the next week.  Sometimes, you SHOULD cast the first stone.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Carry the Ball

Back in college, some friends of mine were organizing a winter skiing trip.  When I asked who was in charge of organizing the trip, I was told that Kathy was carrying the ball.  I told the person who told me this that bringing a ball on a skiing trip could be potentially dangerous, especially when a klutz like myself is involved, and that really didn't have anything to do with my question.  Nobody from that group ever told me about any other skiing trips after that.  Some people aren't very good at safety.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Taking Coals to Newcastle

Back in college, one of my friends was dating the daughter of a florist, and he told me that he never knew what to get her for Valentine's Day, because bringing flowers to a florist's daughter was like taking coals to Newcastle.  I told him that those two things were nothing alike, since flowers are pretty and smell good, and coals not so much.  Also, his girlfriend was nothing at all like Newcastle.  Some men aren't very good at relationships.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Can't Hold a Candle To Her

Back in college, a friend was lamenting the end of his relationship with a girl when he told me that no one would ever be able to hold a candle to her.  To cheer him up, I decided to prove him wrong.  Unfortunately, I accidentally ended up setting the girl's hair on fire.  Some people use way too much hair product.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Can't Fight City Hall

Somebody once told me that you can't fight City Hall.  I decided that I would prove him wrong, so I got my boxing gloves, went down to City Hall and started punching the building.  The building didn't fight back, but I ended up breaking my wrist and having a lot of people look at me rather oddly.  Some people just aren't cut out for politics.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Called on the Carpet

One time, a co-worker of mine told me that our boss had called him on the carpet.  I was very puzzled by this information, because I couldn't see how our boss could have gotten the name "Tim" confused with "On the Carpet," which sounds like a name that would be given by those parents who name their children after the places where they're conceived.  Some people aren't very good with names at all.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Call the Shots

One time, on the first day of a new job, my new boss informed me that he called all the shots around there.  I told him that I was surprised to hear that, since I'd certainly had jobs in the past where the bosses were alcoholics, but I'd never had a job where they not only were so open about it, but encouraged it with their employees as well.  For some reason, I didn't last very long at that job.  Some people aren't very good at keeping their skeletons in the closet.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

By the Skin of Your Teeth

One time, back when I was a spy for the CIA, my partner turned to me after a narrow escape and remarked that we had made it out of that mission by the skin of our teeth.  I told him that if he had skin growing on his teeth he should really brush his teeth more often and see a dentist if it didn't get better.  Some people just don't have very good dental hygiene.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Button Her Lip

One time, during a staff meeting, a co-worker turned to me and whispered that our boss really needed to button her lip.  I replied that I'd never heard of that fetish before (I suppose it's some kind of new piercing fad where people get pierced with buttons as opposed to rings or studs), but he should probably keep those comments to himself in the workplace.  Some people are a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.