You Look Like a Monkey

When I was little, on my birthday my mother would sing "Happy birthday to you, you look like a monkey and act like one, too."  Thanks to that song, I developed a monkey complex and to this day I can't watch any of the "King Kong" movies without feeling my face to make sure that I don't really like a monkey.  Mothers can be so sadistic.

Til the Cows Come Home

A friend once told me that we could argue about where to eat until the cows came home, but it wouldn't get us anywhere.  I pointed out that it actually would get us somewhere, as then we wouldn't have to worry about where to eat since we would have the cows.  However, I admitted that seeing as we were in Boston, it would probably be quite a wait, since cows are not exactly indigenous to that area, so we'd be better off just going to McDonald's.  He threw his hands up in frustration and stomped away.  Some people are so indecisive.

Beat the Band

Back in college, a friend once told me that the party we were planning for Saturday night was going to beat the band.  I pointed out to him that A) we hadn't hired a band, 2) even if we had hired a band, I didn't have enough baseball bats or cricket mallets for everyone at the party, and III) I really wasn't interested in going to jail for assault and battery charges anyway.  Some people are so violent.

Tied the Knot

One time, after his return from a trip to Vegas, a friend told me that he'd gotten drunk and tied the knot with a girl he met at a club over the weekend.  I told him that if he was into bondage and what-not, that was fine, but I really didn't need to hear about it.  Some people are just way too candid.

The Whole Nine Yards

A friend in college once told me that he was on going the whole nine yards on his date on Saturday night.  I told him that nine yards really wasn't that far - it was barely the distance between my dorm and his - and that I doubted that a girl would really be all that impressed by his just walking nine yards.  Some people have no sense of distance.

The Ball is in Your Court

Somebody in a meeting once told me that the ball was in my court.  I was rather confused by this as we were not playing any form of ball game, nor were we playing Medieval Knights.  I told him that though I had never heard of a game that combined both ball sports and Medieval Knights into one game, it definitely sounded intriguing, especially if the Jester was the Goalie.  He looked at me oddly and stormed out of the meeting in a huff.  Some people just don't know how to take suggestions.

Spitting Image

Somebody once told me that I was the spitting image of my father.  I was speechless.   I could not believe that someone would ever say that I would ever spit at a picture of my own father.  Some people have no sense of tact.

Son of a Gun

Somebody once called me a son of a gun.  I told him that I thought he was rather confused, as guns aren't able to reproduce since A) they don't have genitals, 2) they aren't organisms and III) even if the previous two facts weren't true, they would most likely kill all their offspring anyway.  One black eye later, I learned the valuable lesson that an F in biology combined with an NRA membership is a dangerous combination.

Smell a Rat

One time, back when I was a CIA spy, I was on a mission when one of my fellow spies confided in me that he thought he smelled a rat.  I got rather upset with him, because there really wasn't anything I could do as far as bathing Peter, my pet rat, when we were on assignment like this, and I certainly couldn't leave him at home, where the cat would undoubtedly finally succeed at reconfiguring him into digestive waste.  Some people just have no respect for other people's pets.

Sitting Shotgun

One time when I was younger and my family was about to embark on a cross-country road trip, my sister announced that she wanted to sit shotgun.  I thought this was an odd and dangerous thing to want to do, but I didn't press the matter since if the shotgun went off I'd be pretty much guaranteed front seat from then on.  Brothers can be pricks sometimes.

Literal Idioms

Somebody once accused me of taking idioms too literally.  I told him that wasn't a very nice thing to say, as the P.C. term is "Intelligently Handicapped."  I also pointed out to him that just because someone is Intelligently Handicapped doesn't mean that they're illiterate.  Some people are just so intolerant.

Saved by The Bell

One time back in high school, a friend once said to me at the end of class that we had been saved by the bell.  He must have been taking some sort of mind-altering substances, because A) I wasn't aware of any rescue situation that had just occurred and B) I'd never heard of any superheros named "The Bell."  I decided right then and there that if I ever came in contact with any kind of radioactive substances, that the first thing I would ensure I came in contact with afterward would be a bell, so that I could become The Bell.

Run Out Steam

Somebody once told me he had run out of steam.  Not one to abandon my friends in a time of need, I hurried to the kitchen, put the kettle on, and when the water started boiling, I asked him where I should stick the spout.  He looked at me oddly and left the room.  Some people just don't know how to be appreciative.

Rome Was Not Built in a Day

One time, after asking an employee when his assignment would be done, he told me that Rome wasn't built in a day.  I've read many history books, and none of them ever even suggested that Rome had built in a day, so I wasn't really sure what he was talking about.  I was even more confused because we weren't talking about building Rome - or any other ancient European city, for that matter.  In fact, we were talking about building real x-ray goggles that actually let you see through people's clothing, not like those cheap knock-offs you get at joke stores or at the airport.  Some people just don't know how to stay on topic.

Raining Cats and Dogs

Someone once told me that it was raining cats and dogs outside.  I looked out the window, and it looked like it was just water.  I told him as much, but also said that it could be arranged for it to rain cats and dogs, as I had just recently acquired my blimp pilot's license, but I suspected that such action might fall under some sort of animal cruelty laws.  Some people have strange ideas about how to have a good time...