Monday, November 29, 2010


Somebody once told me that he was going to have to take a rain check.  I told him that I was rather offended on several accounts, not least of which was because he seemed to think that I would give him a wet check, but also because he had the audacity to expect me to pay him because he had to cancel our meeting to discuss our plans for building an army of mutated, man-eating mushrooms.  Some people are just always looking for a way to scam you.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Queering the Pitch

One time - after I had foiled his latest nefarious scheme for world domination involving a slinky, a paperclip, and a balloon wrapped in tinfoil and filled with barbecue sauce - my arch-nemesis and Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, accused me of queering the pitch.  I told him that I know he's Evil and all, but that he really shouldn't be so intolerant of homosexuals in sports, and that he needs to stop assuming that because I'm a writer that makes me automatically gay.  Family: you gotta love 'em, but you don't gotta like 'em.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Put a Sock In It

One time at lunch, someone told me to put a sock in it.  So, I bent down, pulled off my sock and - since he hadn't really specified what I was supposed to put the sock in - I put it in his soup.  Apparently he did not mean his soup.  Some people really need to learn to communicate better.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Pulling Your Leg

An ex-girlfriend once accused me of pulling her leg.  I gently pointed out that I'd learned better than to do that, since the last time I'd tried that her prosthetic leg had popped off.  Some women apparently believe that all men lack the capacity to learn from their experiences.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Pick up Your Ears

A professor in college once asked our class to pick up our ears.  I looked around the class, and as far as I could see nobody had dropped their ears.  I told the professor that I was pretty sure that most students wouldn't appreciate being confused with Mr. Potato-heads.  Some people really shouldn't be teachers.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Pig in a Poke

Someone once accused me of making a pig in a poke.  I told him that where I come from, that kind of thing is illegal (never mind the fact that "Charlotte's Web" was one of my favorite books as a child) and I did not appreciate having such disparaging remarks being made against my character.  Some people should never be allowed anywhere near a farm.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Passing the Buck

Someone once accused me of passing the buck.  I was rather surprised by this offer, because I had been expecting to have to pay a LOT more than a dollar to get rid of the company I had founded for making self-replicating blueberry smoothies (As it transpired, the process necessary for making self-replicating blueberry smoothies just so happened to open up a vortex to a parallel dimension inhabited by man-eating lemur-like critters, and thus my desire to get out of the self-replicating blueberry smoothie business).  So, I took out my wallet and handed him a buck.  He looked at the buck.  He looked at me.  And then he threw the buck back at me and stomped away.  Some people don't know how to haggle...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Over His Dead Body

One time, somebody told me that I could only date his sister over his dead body.  After hearing him say that, I wasn't so sure I wanted to date his sister any more, if that was the kind of family she came from.  I'm sorry, I try to be open-minded and all, but incestuous necrophilia is just plain disgusting.

Monday, November 15, 2010

On The Fence

Someone once told me that he was on the fence about whether or not the bandicoot is the result of alien genetic experiments on mice and anteaters.  I told him that I wasn't really sure what a fence had to do with all of this - seeing as aliens wouldn't have much use for a fence in their genetic experiments - but warned him to be careful because he could get a splinter and it could get infected and that would be a very unfortunate place to have an infected splinter.  Some people just lack common sense.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Getting off on the Wrong Foot

Someone I never particularly cared for once told me that he thought we'd gotten off on the wrong foot.  I snapped at him that I didn't know who he was confusing me with but A) I'm straight, 2) I'm not into foot fetishes, and III) even if those first two points weren't true, I wouldn't do any such thing with the likes of him.  Some people just can't take the hint that you don't like them.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Not Playing With a Full Deck

Somebody once accused me of not playing with a full deck.  This left me rather confused, as we weren't playing cards (or any other game, for that matter), but discussing my blueprints to replicate the building from "Ghostbusters" that acted as a doorway to the underworld.   Now, if I had been planning to construct the building as a house of cards, his remark might have made sense - but that would have been a rather silly thing to do as playing cards don't make very good pan-dimensional conduits.  Some people really are just so addicted to gambling that they can't focus on anything else.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

No Room to Swing a Cat

One time, I was moving into a new apartment with a friend.  Upon seeing the bathroom, he said that there was no room to swing a cat in there.  I was appalled.  Not only did he forget that the building had a no-pets policy, but it was rather disturbing that he'd want to bring a cat into the bathroom anyway, and just plain wrong that he'd want to swing it around once he got it in there.  The moral of this story is to always learn about someone's  fetishes before signing a lease with them.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

No Dice

Once, while playing Monopoly, a friend responded to my proposition of relieving him from the burden of owning Boardwalk by saying, "No dice."  I looked at him oddly, and pointed out that the dice were right in front of him, but that they didn't really have anything to do with my proposal anyway since the dice have no monetary value in the game.  Some people aren't very good at board games.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Mum's the Word

One time a friend, after I had confided a secret with him, told me that mum's the word.  I asked him when had he become British, and then asked what his mother had to do with my ingenious plan for world domination, requiring nothing but a twinky, a dromedary and a deck of Tim Burton playing cards.  Some people just have very short attention spans.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Never Bite The Hand That Feeds You

Someone once told me that I should never bite the hand that feeds me.  Naturally, I got rather offended and snapped at him that I am a grown man and have not required anyone to help feed me in over twenty years.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Long in the Tooth

A friend in middle school once told me that her pet rabbit was getting rather long in the tooth.  I told her that seeing as fluffy was a rabbit, that really wasn't anything to be that worried about.  She burst into tears and didn't talk to me for a couple months.  Young girls tend to be so emotional.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Let the Cat Out of the Bag

Somebody once told me that it was time to let the cat out of the bag.  Naturally, I reported him immediately to the Humane Society for being cruel to animals.  And to think that I had trusted a monster like that with my secret recipe for time-traveling strawberry shortcake.  Some people you just never truly know who they really are.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Lend Me Your Ear

Somebody once asked me to lend him my ear.  I told him that under absolutely no circumstance would I do that, since he had two perfectly functioning ears and had no need for a third.  I also pointed out that it was rather odd to ask for me to loan him my ear; what was he going to do when he was done with it? Just hand it back and say, "OK, thanks, you can have it back now?"  Apparently he thinks that all artists are like Van Gogh.  Well, we're not.  Some of us are rather fond of all of our various body parts being ATTACHED, thank you very much.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Kick the Bucket

A friend in middle school once told me that he was upset because his hamster had kicked the bucket.  I told him that really wasn't something to be sad about - if anything I'd be scared that my hamster had gotten large enough to kick a bucket.  I've watched a enough B sci-fi and horror movies to know that giant rodents are never a good sign.