Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Fighting Tooth and Nail

Somebody once told me that in "Return of the King," Aragorn really came forward and fought tooth and nail.  I'm not really sure what movie or book he read, but it was definitely not the "Return of the King" that I was familiar with, as I certainly did not recall any scenes with Aragorn fighting any sort of tooth or fingernail monsters. If he had, I think the story would have gotten rather silly at that point. Some people just can't keep track of plot lines very well.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Fiddle While Rome Burns

One time, somebody accused me of fiddling while Rome burns because I wouldn't go after my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, and stop his latest scheme to take over Antarctica and build himself an army of Super-Intelligent Pan-Dimensional Penguins. I told this person that: 
1) He really should learn his geography, as Rome is in Italy, not Antarctica; 
B) I don't know how to play the fiddle, and in fact I am completely tone-deaf, so if I were to play the fiddle whilst Rome was burning, that would probably only encourage the fire to burn that much more voraciously in an attempt to silence my fiddling;  


III) Thwarting my brother's schemes is a full-time job unto itself and, as far as Kram's Evil Schemes go, Super-Intelligent Pan-Dimensional Penguins really wasn't on the top of my list of threatening creatures. 

Some people just don't know how to sort out their priorities.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Feet of Clay

One time, after I had thwarted his latest nefarious scheme to conquer the Hawaiian Islands and build an army of Mutant Man-Eating Humuhumunukunukuapuaas, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that one day he would discover my feet of clay and expose them to the world. I told him that he'd better be careful with them if he did, because our mother would NOT be pleased if he broke the clay mold of my feet she'd had made when Kram and I were born. Sometimes, siblings get so caught up in their rivalries that they forget how it affects their parents.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Loaded for Bear

One time as my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, was preparing to embark on one of his nefarious schemes to Take Over The World, he informed me that he was loaded for bear.  I told him that I didn't really see how going bear hunting would help him take over the world.  Especially since if he killed off all the bears, he would have eliminated Stephen Colbert's only fear, which would certainly help Mr. Colbert gain more confidence to take over the world, but really wouldn't help Kram that much and would just give Kram more opposition for the position of World Leader. Some people get so attached to celebrities they admire that they forget about their own ambitions.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Beat Around the Bush

A co-worker once told me that he doesn't like to beat around the bush.  I told him that whether or not he and his wife were into S&M wasn't really any of my business, and that I didn't really need that info.  Some people are WAY too candid about their sex lives.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Feeling Your Oats

An ex-girlfriend once told me that she was so happy that she was feeling her oats.  I told her that I hoped she had washed her hands first.  Some people never learn not to play with their food.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Party Pooper

One time, after I had thwarted my Evil Twin's nefarious scheme to conquer Australia and build an army of Zombie Koala Bears, Kram told me that I can be a real party pooper. I told him that was totally uncalled for, as I hadn't done that since we were three, and at that age I could hardly be held accountable for such things.  Some siblings have an annoying habit of bringing up the embarrassing past.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Feather in Your Cap

Somebody once told me that graduating from college would be a real feather in my cap.  Therefore, I was quite disappointed when, instead of feathers, we all got stupid little tassels.  I suppose that tassels are more politically correct, as feathers would probably rile up the animal activists, but feathers would be way cooler.  Some people can be real spoil sports.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Fat Cat

Somebody once told me that his girlfriend's father was a real fat cat.  I pointedly told him that bestiality is illegal in most countries in this day and age, and that if he's dating a cat, then the obesity of her father really is the lesser of the issues at hand.  Some people have very perverse desires.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Eyes in the Back of Their Head

Somebody once told me that his teacher had eyes in the back of her head.  I told him that was awesome and that he should report that to the National Enquirer or, at the very least, the FBI so that they could know one of their Area 51 captives seems to have escaped.  He told me I was being stupid and walked away.  Some people would rather live in denial than accept the existence of extra-terrestrials in the classroom.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

Somebody once told me that every cloud has a silver lining. I told him that was redonkulous, seeing as if it were true then 1) there would be a lot more plane accidents, B) people would be getting killed all the time from the silver falling out of the sky (not to mention all the planes falling out of the sky...), and III) everyone who wasn't killed by the plane crashes and falling silver would be super-uber rich from all of the extra silver in the world. Some people don't understand the concept of gravity.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Egg On Your Face

My Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, once told me that he looks forward to the day when I will finally have egg on my face. I suspect he's still harboring a grudge about the time I hacked into his Evil Genius Group web account and changed his profile picture to a picture from when we were infants and he had scrambled eggs all over his face.  Some people don't know how to take a joke.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Eat Your Words

One time, during a sibling argument, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that he was going to make me eat my words. I told him that I wasn't sure how words tasted, but I imagined that if you put some Parmesan cheese on them, they wouldn't be too bad. Of course, you'd first have to figure out how to make something intangible tangible, which would be the tricky bit. Kram glared at me hatefully, and stormed away.  Some people are very poor losers when it comes to arguments.