Butterflies in the Stomach

Back in college, I dated a girl who played the piano.  She confided in me that before recitals, she always got butterflies in her stomach.  I told her that if she stopped eating butterflies before every concert, she might not get so nauseous each time.  Some people have strange eating habits...

Butter Them Up

Back in high school, a friend told me that I should try buttering up our math teacher to try and get her to give me a better grade.  I told him that although the idea was tempting, I'd seen enough cases of student-teacher relationships on the 6:00 news to know that it rarely worked out well.  Besides, using butter sounds awfully messy.  I guess some people just don't like whipped cream.

Burying Your Head in the Sand

One time, somebody accused me of burying my head in the sand.  I told him that was silly, as there weren't any beaches for miles and miles, and even if there was a beach nearby, I was far too busy with my quest to capture the Easter Bunny and sell him to the San Francisco Zoo to be bothered with playing at the beach.  Some people just have no sense of purpose.

Bury the Hatchet

One time, a person that I didn't particularly get along with told me that it was time that we bury the hatchet.  I told him that there was no way I was going to get myself caught up as an accomplice to murder, and I immediately reported him to the police.  When I told the officer why I suspected this person of committing murder, the officer laughed at me.  It truly is sad to see "enforcers of the law" treat the law with such disdain.  Some people just don't take their jobs seriously.

Burning Your Bridges

One time, just after I had told my boss to go do something very rude to himself, a co-worker told me that I shouldn't burn my bridges.  I told him that I didn't appreciate having such slanderous rumors started about me, and that just because I quit my job that does not make me some sort of pyromaniac societal delinquent.  Some people are so judgmental.

Governor in the Mouth

Somebody once told me that she had a governor in her mouth that kept her from saying things she would later regret.  I told her that although I could see how that would get in the way of saying things, I wouldn't necessarily recommend announcing that kind of thing in public.  Some people will go to great lengths to get on the news...

Stole Her Heart

Back in college, a girl I was dating told me that I had stolen her heart.  I told her that she'd been watching too many horror movies like "Turistas," and that I rather resented the fact that she thought I was the kinda guy who would steal her organs and sell them on the black market.  Some women have a hard time trusting men.

Home is Where the Heart Is

Somebody once told me that home is where the heart is.  Naturally, I was appalled, but I didn't want to raise his suspicion, so I told him that I hoped it was at least wrapped up and stored in a refrigerator, because otherwise, eww, and then at the first chance I got I notified the authorities.  Some murderers aren't very good at being discreet.

Letting a Bull into a China Shop

One time, a friend invited me along to their support group meeting for people who have been traumatized by other people who take things to literally.  One of our mutual friends said that inviting me to this meeting was like letting a bull into a China shop.  I told our friend that he shouldn't make racial assumptions like that, since I'm sure there would be more than just Chinese people at the meeting, and that I also didn't appreciate being compared to a big, ugly, sweaty, bovine.  Some people don't make very good friends.

Bug Someone Else

One time when we were kids, my sister snapped at me to go bug someone else.  I was a little confused, since I hadn't been throwing bugs at her at all, but I realized that wasn't a bad idea, so I started collecting various cockroaches, beetles, etc. to throw at her the next time I felt like annoying her.  Sisters can, from time to time, prove to be helpful and inspirational after all.

Bring Home The Bacon

A co-worker of mine once complained that he was having trouble bringing home the bacon.  I told him that I didn't see why that was a problem, seeing as his wife was a vegan and all.  Some people really need to get to know their spouses better.

Bring Down the House

Back in college, I dated a girl who was into the theatrical arts.  One night before a performance, she told me that she was planning on bringing down the house that night.  I couldn't believe it.  She was such a sweet person, I never would have imagined that she was a terrorist.  Naturally, I reported her to the authorities.  For some reason, they decided to let her go, after which she refused to talk to me ever again.  I guess it's true when they say that Hell hath no fury like that of a terrorist scorned.

Blue Blood

Back in college, a friend told me that the girl I was currently dating was a real blue blood.  I told him that I didn't know where he got off making accusations like that about me dating aliens from Pandora, but I knew for a fact that her blood was perfectly normal and red because she had cut herself while chopping celery for dinner the week before and I had helped her bandage the wound.  Some people read "The National Enquirer" WAY too often...

Blow Your Own Horn

Somebody once accused me of blowing my own horn.  I told him that A) I've never played any instrument other than those plastic recorder things in elementary school, let alone an actual horn; 2) even if I did play the horn, I most certainly would hope that I was blowing my own instead of somebody else's, 'cause, eww; and III) EWWWWWW.  Some people have no sense of good hygiene.

In Stitches

Someone once told me that they bet I keep my wife, Besty, in stitches.  I told them that was a totally unfounded accusation, as I have never abused any woman I've ever dated or married.  Betsy and I are both very clutzy people, and as a result we both usually have more than our own share of stitches between the two of us, but neither of us have ever intentionally hurt the other.  Some people just always assume the worst of other people.

Blood is Thicker Than Water

One time, my uncle told me that blood is thicker than water.  For some reason, the judge never believed me when I told him that my uncle was a vampire (of the evil, non-sparkly variety) and that I was acting out the best interests of society when I staked him.  Some people have no respect for the threat that the Undead poses to society.  I blame Stephanie Meyer.

Blind Leading the Blind

Somebody once told me that my lecture on not taking things too literally was like the blind leading the blind.  I snapped at him and told him that I can't help it if I have poor genetics in the vision department, and that he really should be more sensitive towards people's handicaps.  Some people have absolutely no sense of how to be PC.