If Life Gives You Lemons

Somebody once told me that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. I responded that while that may be true, if life gives you lemonade then you don't need the lemons to begin with.

Heart in Your Mouth

A friend once told me that his heart was in his mouth when he got to the top of the roller coaster at Six Flags. Naturally, I got my hands on the nearest chainsaw and cut my friend's head off. For some reason, the police didn't believe me when I told them that my friend was a zombie and I was simply trying to prevent the spread of the infection. Some people just can't recognize the signs of Zombification until their own hearts are being eaten.

Can't Have Your Cake and Eat it Too

One time, after I thwarted my Evil Twin brother's latest scheme to take over the world with an army of zombified lemurs, I told Kram through the bars of his cell that nothing would make me happier than if we could just get along for once. He replied that I couldn't have my cake and eat it, too. To prove him wrong, I went down to the nearest Ralph's, bought a Carvel ice cream cake, brought it back to his cell, and ate it in front of him. I guess some siblings will always be rivals.

Screw Loose

Somebody once told me that my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, has a real screw loose. I told him that in fact my brother had several screws loose on his latest invention - a device that would allow him to control the minds of bandicoots and use them in his latest scheme to take over Australia - as I had loosened them myself. He looked at me oddly, and slowly walked away. I guess he had been hoping to take credit for loosening Kram's screws. Some people have no scruples when it comes to claiming credit for another person's hard work.

A Bone To Pick

One time, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that he had a bone to pick with me. I told him that what he did with the victims of his various nefarious schemes of World Domination was his own damn business, and that I would have no part of it. He mumbled something that sounded like an ancient Mesopotamian curse, and stalked away. Some family members have a hard time understanding when you don't want to be more involved in their personal line of work.

A Hard Nut to Crack

Back in high school, a friend told me that our upcoming math test was going to be a tough nut to crack. I pointed out that it actually most likely wouldn't be that hard to crack, as it was more than likely no more than a few pages, so it would be a fairly simple matter just to rip the paper - but then he probably would have a hard time at getting a good grade if he were to do that. Some people just aren't very good at taking tests.

Hanging by a Thread

A former boss once told me that I should be careful, because I was hanging by a thread. I told him that it was better to be hanging by a thread than some other form of more substantial rope, since a string of thread would be quite likely to break if someone tried to hang you with it. Some people aren't very good at threats.