Thursday, September 29, 2011

Go Over With a Fine-Tooth Comb

A friend once told me that she had gone over her entire apartment with a fine-tooth comb looking for her contact lens, but she never found it.  I told her that it would have been easier just to replace the contact, especially when you consider the fact that it would be quite likely that the comb she was using would damage the contact and render it unusable anyway. Some people take O.C.D. to absurd levels.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Go Over Like a Lead Balloon

One time, a friend told me that his Friday night date had gone over like a lead balloon. I told him it was no wonder the date didn't go well, since a normal hot air balloon would probably have been much more effective. Some men have no clue about how to be romantic.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Go Fly a Kite

One time, at the height of a heated argument, someone told me to go fly a kite.  I did as he suggested, and I found it was actually very therapeutic and relaxing.  He, however, did not go fly a kite, and I hear that he currently suffers from frequent aortic aneurysms.  Some people should take their own advice.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Give the Shirt Off Your Back

Back in High School, a female friend of mine once told me that one of our teachers was just the type of person who would give someone the shirt off of his back. I was appalled, and told her that she should report him for sexually harassing students like that. She shot me an annoyed look, and stormed away. It really is sad to see a friend living in denial about being victimized.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Get Your Goat

Somebody once told me that it really got his goat when people didn't take him seriously. I told him that maybe people would be more likely to take him seriously if he had a somewhat more normal pet, like a cat, or goldfish. He glared at me with a look of annoyance on his face, and stalked away. Some people are very odd about their pets.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Get Under Your Skin

Back in college, a female friend of mine once told me that one of our professor really got under her skin, the way he flirted with the girls in the class. I told her that she had been watching "Silence of the Lambs" way too much, as her epidermis was quite clearly still attached and did not show any evidence of having been worn by anyone other than herself. Some people confuse the line between fiction and reality way too easily.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Get the Sack

Back in college, a female friend of mine once told me that her boss had given her the sack. I told her that I hoped she meant a sack of potatoes, because otherwise she needed to file a sexual harassment complaint. Some men are pigs.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Get Something Off Your chest

One time a friend came to me and said that she needed to get something off of her chest. I told her that although I know there are plastic surgeons who will do that kind of operation, I really didn't think it was all that necessary in her case, as everything seemed to me to be in decent proportion. She slapped me across the face and didn't talk to me for a week. Some women are really touchy when it comes to their chests.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Off The Hook

Back in High School, a girlfriend once told me that she hoped her father would let her off the hook of being grounded so that she could come to the dance that weekend.  I told her that if her father was using her for fishing bait as a form of discipline, 1) that definitely falls under the category of child abuse; B) I couldn't imagine how that would be a very effective way to catch fish (except maybe Tiger Sharks); and III) I would think he'd end up breaking a lot of his fishing poles that way.

She dumped me and went to the dance with Mitch Connor instead.  Some women are very touchy when it comes to the subject of their fathers' hobbies.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Red Letter Day

A co-worker once told me that it was a red letter day.  Considering Jack the Ripper's fondness for red letters, I decided it would be prudent to inform the FBI that he might be a serial killer.  Some murderers fail at discretion.