Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Forty Winks

Back in college, an ex-girlfriend once told me that she just needed 40 winks before her exam that afternoon.  By the time I was done winking at her, she'd already walked away, irritated for some reason or another.  She did pass her exam, but she never thanked me for my assistance.  Some people aren't very good at showing appreciation where it is due.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Pay Under the Table

Somebody once told me that he was going to pay me under the table, so I got under the table and waited, and waited, but he never showed up and paid me. Some people aren't very good at settling debts.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Fix Your Wagon

One time, after I had thwarted my Evil Twin's latest scheme to take over the South and raise an army of Undead Confederate Soldiers, Kram told me that one day he would fix my wagon. I told him that although that was a generous offer, 1) I didn't own a wagon, B) I generally just take my transportation vehicles to the dealer, and III) even if I did own a wagon and didn't take my vehicles to the dealer, I wouldn't really trust him with fixing this hypothetical wagon, considering his tendency to be vengeful. Some people just don't understand why other people can't trust them.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Follow Your Nose

One time, somebody told me that I should follow my nose.  I took his advice and ended up breaking my nose and glasses on the wall my nose led me to.  Some people don't give very good advice.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Introducing Mark Sheldon's Treasury of Twisted Tunes!

Hello everyone, I'm proud to introduce the latest addition to the Mark Sheldon Blog Network, Mark Sheldon's Treasury of Twisted Tunes!

I will most likely be changing them up a bit, alternating between the two rather than posting a new Flayed Cliche and a new Twisted Tune every day. Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Fly By The Seat of Your Pants

One time, after a pop quiz in college, one of my classmates told me that he took that test flying by the seat of his pants. I told him that either 1) he was taking some really good drugs, B) he really needed to get more sleep at night, or III) he should find out what Tinkerbell has been doing in his pants. Some people get really stressed out from higher education.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Stick in the Mud

One time, after thwarting his nefarious scheme to take over Ben and Jerry's ice cream so that he could make Worcestershire Sauce-flavored ice cream, my Evil Twin - Kram Sheldon - told me that I can be a real stick in the mud. I told him that he was just bitter over the time when I had accidentally taken his pet stick, Ferdinand, and used it for firewood.  Siblings sometimes have a hard time letting go of the past.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Flash in the Pan

I once dated a girl who had been in a popular rock band in High School. She described the experience as a flash in the pan. I told her that it was just as well, then, that the band had broken up after High School, since cannibalism is illegal and, to be perfectly frank, downright disgusting, regardless of whether the meat is cooked in a pan or not. Some musicians take eccentricity to a whole new level.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Fit as a Fiddle

Somebody once told me that I was as fit as a fiddle. I told him that I'd never seen a fiddle exercising before, and I wasn't even sure how a fiddle COULD exercise, considering they don't have arms or legs.  Also, not having a biological body system, they don't really have much need to exercise, anyway. Some people take music way too seriously.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Finger in Every Pie

Someone once told me that I am someone who has his finger in every pie.  I told that was a vicious lie and completely unfounded, and that I would appreciate it very much if he didn't spread such rumors that could potentially cause trouble in my marriage.  Some people are just born trouble makers.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Spoil Sport

One time, after I had defeated my Evil Twin's nefarious scheme to conquer the state of Rhode Island, rename it Kramlandia, and declare war on the world, Kram told me that I can be a real spoil sport.  I pointed out that, technically speaking, as sports are not really biodegradable, they can't spoil.  He spat at me through the bars of his Arkham Asylum cell.  Some people aren't very good at agriculture.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Pay Through The Nose

One time, after I was mugged in Boston by a gang of people dressed up in spandex butterfly costumes on roller skates, my lawyer told me that he was going to make the creeps who attacked me pay through the nose.  I told him that he should make sure to wear gloves before collecting the money, in that case.  Some lawyers will take any money at all, even if it's been up someone's nose.  Lawyers are odd.