Dressed to the Nines

Somebody once told me that he was dressed to the nines.  I looked him over, and told him that he looked absolutely nothing like those creepy little Horcrux dudes from that computer animated movie produced by Tim Burton, which was probably a good thing because I really don't see that look as becoming a very popular fashion statement.  Some people have very odd ideas about what people will find fashionable.

Down to Earth

Somebody once told me that I am very down-to-earth.  I asked him what planet he expected me to be down to since, last I checked, none of the other planets in our solar system have oxygen.  Some people aren't very good at astronomy.

Down in the Dumps

Somebody once told me that she was down in the dumps.  I was confused by this, since I didn't notice any pungent odor coming from her, so I tried sniffing her and she slapped me.  Some women are very touchy when it comes to personal hygiene.

The Dog Days of Summer

One time, in August, someone told me that we were in the dog days of summer. I told him that I hadn't heard anything about an invasion of the dogs - certainly I'd heard about the apes and lemurs trying to take over - but nothing about dogs.  I also told him that I figured that the cats would have something to say about that.  Some people are really overly-paranoid.

Dime a Dozen

Somebody once told me that his collection of the Hardy Boys books was worth a dime a dozen.  I quickly did the math, and figured out that a couple of bucks for almost $200 books was an extraordinary bargain and saw a great opportunity to make a good profit, and told him that I would definitely buy his set for 10 cents for every 12 books.  He glared at me and walked away.  Some people aren't very good at business.

Dead Duck

A friend once told me that he was a dead duck if his parents ever found out about the party he threw while they were out of town. I told him that I had never realized that his parents were into witchcraft, and wanted to know if they could turn me into a lemur, because those critters are awesome.  My friend glared at me and didn't talk to me for a week - and I hadn't even asked if they could introduce me to J.K. Rowling.  Some people are really touchy about their parents' social cliques.

Dead as a Doornail

Somebody once told me that he felt as dead as a doornail.  I pointed out to him that a doornail couldn't possibly be dead, as it was never alive in the first place.  So unless he was some sort of hardware reverse vampire or zombie, that really didn't make any sense.  Some people don't really understand the concepts of life and death.

Dark-Horse Candidate

Back in high school, after my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, lost the election for School President, he complained to me that there clearly was something wrong with the people who had counted the ballots, since the kid who won was a dark-horse candidate.  Leave it to my Evil brother to turn something into a racial-bestiality issue.  I also couldn't help but point out to him that I suspected that his loss had more to do with the fact that his campaign posters read, "Vote For Kram Sheldon or I'll Feed Your Families to my Mutant Lava Sharks."  Some people aren't very good losers.

Cutting Edge

A computer designer friend of mine once told me that he was working on the cutting edge of computer technology.  I warned him that he needed to be careful cutting stuff up when working with electronics, because that sounds like a good way to get electrocuted.  Some people don't understand how electricity works very well.

Cut Your Eyeteeth

Somebody once told me that he had cut his eyeteeth on computer programming at a very young age.  I told him not to tell my Evil Twin, Kram, that his eyes had teeth, because that sounded like something that Kram would try to replicate for one of his schemes of World Domination.  Some people have really strange birth defects.

Don't Cut Off Your Nose to Spite Your Face

Somebody once told me that I shouldn't cut off my nose to spite my face.  I told him that clearly he had me confused with my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, since he is the one most likely to follow in the footsteps of Lord Voldemort.  Some people have a very hard time telling the difference between Good and Evil.

Cool Heels

An old girlfriend of mine once complained about how whenever she went to the doctor's office, he always made her cool her heels forever before seeing her.  Considering everything I've heard about female doctors, I kinda thought that her heels would be the last thing she'd worry about being too cool, but I bought her a pair of warm fuzzy socks for Christmas, anyway.  Some doctors spend way too much on their air conditioning bills.

Cool as a Cucumber

A former girlfriend of mine once told me that I was cool as a cucumber.  I told her that I hadn't realized that she was into mixing food and sex, but I was open to experimenting.  She slapped me across the face and stomped away.  Some women seem to enjoy sending mixed signals.

Cooking With Gas

Back in college, I was dating an ice skater.  One time, after a skating match, she told me that she had really been cooking with gas that night.  I told her that was dangerous, not just because she'd melt the ice, but because she should have been concentrating on her skating.  Never heard from her again.  Some women are really touchy about their cooking.

Cooked His Goose

One time, after I foiled one of his plans for World Domination, my Evil Twin, Kram Sheldon, told me that I had cooked his goose.  I calmly pointed out that he didn't own a goose, he owned a hairless cat, and I sure as heck wasn't about to cook that cat, partly because that would be inhumane, but mostly because that thing creeps the heck out of me and I won't go anywhere near it.  Siblings can be weird about their pets.

Came up Smelling Like a Rose

One time, back in college, a friend of mine told me that he had been worried about getting in trouble for skipping out of class the previous week, but he ended up coming up smelling like a rose.  I told him that it was kinda wrong and weird to be taking rose-scented baths with his professors.  Some people will do anything to get a good grade.

Falling Apart at the Seams

I apologize for my brother's actions and behavior yesterday. Fortunately, I managed to escape from my imprisonment in a heroic escapade involving a wad of used chewing gum, a bit of straw, and a very tame and friendly three-legged hamster. We shall now return you to your regularly scheduled programming.

One time, a friend told me that his sister had fallen apart at the seams after her boyfriend left her.  I was troubled by this, because I had seen his sister before and she looked NOTHING like Oogie Boogie.  This just goes to show that appearances can be deceiving.

Do Not An Immoral Thing for Moral Reasons

Kram Sheldon, Evil Twin of Mark, here.  I've taken over things now, even this silly little bore-blog of my brother's.  Things should be more interesting now.  Anywho, I guess I should get on with this thing, eh?  How does he do this? Oh yeah, he pretends to be a total doofus.  Got it.  This one time, at Evil Camp, somebody said to me, "Do not an immoral thing for moral reasons."  So, by the way I see it, that means as long as I'm doing immoral things for immoral reasons, I'm all set.  Awesome.