Don't Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth

Somebody once told me I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.  As you know, I've taken a lot of bad advice from people in the past, so I decided that, for once, I was not going to fall for their trap.  So I phoned up a rich relative and told them that I wanted a horse for my birthday, and upon receipt of said gift, I looked that horse straight in the mouth.  And that no-good-son-of-a-mare bit me right on the nose.  Apparently some people's advice is worth paying attention to...

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Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree

Someone once told me that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  I pointed out that that isn't necessarily true.  If a heavy wind is blowing, or if the apple tree hangs over a cliff, the apple can fall quite far from the tree.  He stammered at me for several seconds, then stalked away.  I guess he must have failed high school physics...

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Don't Count Your Chickens Before They Hatch

Someone once told me that I shouldn't count my chickens before they hatch.  I took his advice and waited until after they'd hatched to count them, and you know what? Those little buggers practically pecked my fingers off.  That was when I decided that I really wasn't that interested in being a chicken farmer, after all.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Cry Wolf

Someone once told me that I shouldn't cry wolf.  I looked at him oddly, because A) I wasn't crying at all; 2) I hadn't said anything about a wolf; III) I had been trying to warn him, for the third day in a row, that the Hands of Blue were coming for him.  Some people just let their imaginations run away with them...

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Curiosity Killed the Cat

Someone once told me that curiosity killed the cat.  I pointed out that, technically speaking, it wasn't curiosity at all but the truck that had been coming down the road when the cat went out to explore newfound territory.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

A co-worker once told me that I shouldn't cry over spilled milk. Shows what he knows - for every drop of spilled milk, there's an innocent baby cow that's starving. Every starving baby cow means more veal.  I don't like veal.  So, I think that spilled milk is definitely worth crying over.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Cock and Bull Story

Someone once accused me of telling him a cock and bull story.  Naturally I was rather confused by this, as the story I had told him did not concern neither a cock nor a bull, but a French nun who, according to the papers, ran off and had a sordid affair with an Irish belt maker after they had both been abducted by intoxicated aliens who had gotten lost on their way to an intergalactic party on Pluto, where they were fully expecting to get it on with some spicy Flugelarlians, and were quite anxious to get back on course.  Absolutely nothing to do with a cock or a bull.  Some people just don't know how to listen.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Close but no Cigar

A friend and I were once playing Battleship.  I called out "B-5."  He replied, "Close, but no cigar."  I told him that I wasn't looking for a cigar, I was looking for his submarine, and that if he tried to smoke that little piece of plastic I would expect that he would be sorely disappointed.  He looked at me oddly, and then walked away, right in the middle of our game.  Some people can be such poor-losers.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Chip on Shoulder

Someone once told me that he suspected I had a chip on my shoulder.  I checked both of my shoulders very carefully, and found no signs of any chip crumbs, so I told him, "No, but I do have a bag of Dorritos, if you want some."  He looked at me suspiciously, then walked away.  I guess he preferred Lays.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Chewed Out

A friend in college once complained to me about how her boyfriend had chewed her out over something the night before.  I told her that really wasn't something to complain about, and that I really didn't need to hear about the details of her sex life, anyway.  Some people are just way too open about their personal lives.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Cut the Mustard

I tried out for a talent competition once.  One of the judges told me that I just couldn't cut the mustard.  I looked at him oddly and said, "Well, I wasn't trying to cut mustard, I was demonstrating my ability to yodel 'The Farmer and the Dell' backwards while juggling on a unicycle.  Besides, cutting mustard would be a rather silly thing to do for a talent competition, anyway."  I didn't win.  Some people just have no taste for talent.  Stupid Simon Cowell.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Buy a Lemon

One time, I took a friend along to go looking for a new car.  After looking at one of the cars, he told me that it would be buying a lemon.  I looked at him oddly and said, "I don't know where you buy your lemons, but if they're charging you several thousand dollars for a lemon, you need to start doing your grocery shopping somewhere else."  Despite his odd comment, I ended up buying the car, and it broke down and died a couple miles away from the dealership.  I suspect that my "friend" had put lemon juice in the gas tank.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's been posted, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Break a Leg

I used to date a girl who was into theatrical arts.  Before one of her shows, I wished her good luck, and she got all annoyed with me and told me that I was supposed to tell her to break a leg.  I looked at her oddly and said, "Why would I tell you to do that? If you did that, then I'd have to drive you to the hospital, you'd miss your show, you'd have to walk around on crutches for a month, and I'd have to, like, take care of you and stuff.  If you want to play doctor, that's cool, but you don't have to really break your leg for us to do that."  She stopped returning my calls after that.  Some women have strange fantasies...

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's posting, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Blue Moon

A girl I was pursuing in college once told me that she would only go out with me in a blue moon.  I puzzled over this predicament for a while, then realized that the obvious solution was to dye her contact lenses blue.  She filed a restraining order on me.  Apparently, it just wasn't meant to be.

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Like this quote and others from Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches? Why not wear it? All daily Flayed Cliches are now being made available as T-shirts in men's and women's sizes at Mark Sheldon's Spreadshirt store!

Note: The Flayed Cliche of the Day may not always be available until a few hours after it's posting, so if you can't find it yet, check back later!

Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches T-Shirt Store!

Do you enjoy my daily flayed cliches? Well, why not wear one (or two, or three, or four or more)?

I've opened up a new section to my Noricin T-shirt store at Spreadshirt, just for these daily flayed cliches.  So take a moment to stop by and check them out!

Mark Sheldon's Dossier of Flayed Cliches T-Shirt Store

Bite Off More Than You Can Chew

Someone once told me that I had bitten off more than I could chew.  I didn't really see how he could be the judge of that, but I try to be open to criticism, so I spit my gum back out at him.  For some reason, he got all disgusted and stomped away.  I guess he was just so used to receiving a negative reaction to his criticisms that he just didn't know how to respond.

Following in his Footsteps

My father once told me that he would love nothing more than for me to follow in his footsteps, so I really don't understand why he got so annoyed when I started following him everywhere he went, being ever-so-careful to place my feet exactly where he had.  Some people just can't seem to make up their minds about what will make them happy.

Beating a Dead Horse

Somebody once told me that I was beating a dead horse.  I calmly explained to him that as I have taken an oath of peace not to hurt any living animal, I am therefore reduced to only harm dead animals, but that was neither here nor there as at that moment I was not harming anything, either alive or dead, and that he should learn to show better tolerance of other people's beliefs.  Some people are just so narrow-minded.

An Arm And Leg

A contractor once told me that it was going to cost me an arm and a leg to do the work I was requesting.  I was rather disgusted, but I really needed the work done, so I went down to the local cemetery and collected an arm and a leg.  After he had finished vomitting, the contractor threw me out of his office and told me to take my business elsewhere.  I guess maybe he meant a non-human arm and leg, but he really should have been more specific, if that was the case.

All Wet

A co-worker once told me that I was all wet.  I snapped at him that that was entirely inappropriate workplace conversation and overturned the watercooler on him.  Some people just have no sense of tact.

All Greek to Me

A friend in college once told me that our chemistry homework was all Greek to him. Confused, I double-checked my textbook, then checked his textbook, and both were all in English.  Figuring he must have mis-spoken, I hired a Greek translator to translate our textbook into Greek for my friend.  Naturally, I sent him the bill.  For some reason he got mad at me.  Some people just don't know how to say "Thank you."

All Bark and No Bite

Someone once told me that I was all bark and no bite, so I really don't understand why she got so upset when I bit her.  Some people just can't handle being proven wrong.

An Ax To Grind

Someone once told me he thought I had an ax to grind.  I told him I didn't own an ax, but if I ever found myself in possession of one that needed to be ground, he would be the first person I came to.  He looked at me suspiciously, and stomped away moodily.  After that reaction, I changed my mind about taking him up on his offer of ax grinding services.  Some people just aren't very good at marketing and customer service.

Drop of a Hat

Someone once told me that he would be willing to do me a favor at the drop of a hat.  Seeing as I needed my car washed, I took his hat off (since I wasn't wearing one at the time and he didn't specify whose hat needed to be dropped) and threw it on the ground.  For extra measure, I started stomping on it and jumping on it as well.  He didn't wash my car.  Some people just aren't good on their word.

Bite the Dust

A friend in grade school once told me that his hamster was about to bite the dust.  "Well," I said to him, "that explains why he's looking so sickly.  Stop feeding him dirt, dumb-dumb."

Albatross around your neck

Somebody once told me that he had an albatross around his neck.  I was appalled.  "Albatrosses are an endangered species, not a fashion statement, you bastard!" I yelled at him, and then promptly reported him to the authorities.  Some people just have no sense of decency.

A Little Catch Up

I've been posting these "flayed cliches" on Facebook for a few weeks now, and they were becoming popular enough that I decided it was time I start putting them into a blog where they would be preserved and more easy to follow.  This first post is a collection of the posts I have already created on Facebook.  Enjoy!!!


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August 27, 2010: I don't understand what all the fuss about world peas is. There are more than enough peas on Earth to go around. I really would think that there are more important things to worry about than peas.

August 18, 2010: Someone once told me I need to think outside the box. And you know what? They were right. It's a lot easier to think when you're not crammed up inside a dark box.

August 19, 2010: People often tell me that I should change my tune. Fortunately, this is fairly easy to do as I am tone deaf.

August 20, 2010: Someone once told me I should turn over a new leaf. I took their advice and I got stung by the scorpion that was hiding underneath the leaf. This is why I now pay for gardening services.

August 21, 2010: Someone once told me that I could have knocked her over with a feather. I tested her on this theory, and she was right. I felt really bad about this. Fortunately, Calista Flockhart is a very forgiving person.

August 22, 2010: Someone once told me that I made them laugh so hard that they busted a gut. I rushed them to the Emergency Room. For some reason, the doctors were not amused...

August 23, 2010: Someone once told me that I was thinking with the wrong head. I apologized and informed them that I'd forgotten my other head in my other pants' pocket.

August 24, 2010: Someone once told me that it was time to pay the piper. You would not believe how hard it is to find a piper in this day and age. And he looked kinda funny at me as I was trying to throw money at him, but he did take it in the end.

August 25, 2010: Back in college, a friend once told me that we were going to "tie one on tonight." He never really specified what were were going to tie or what we were going to tie it to, so I brought a lot of extra rope, just to be safe. For some reason, he laughed at me when I showed up...

August 26, 2010: A friend in college came to me crying one time. She told me that she had caught her boyfriend with his hand in the cookie jar. I pointed out that, technically speaking, it wasn't a jar. For some reason, this made her more upset...

August 27, 2010: A neighbor once told me that I needed to stop beating around the bush, so I really don't understand why he got so upset when I started wacking his junipers with my baseball bat...

August 28, 2010: Somebody once told me that he had a bone to pick with me. I looked at him for a second, shrugged, and said, "I'll be right back." When I came back a few minutes later with my Amateur Archaeology Accoutrements Kit, he looked at me for a second, laughed and said, "Never mind, you're alright after all," and walked away...

August 29, 2010: Somebody once told me that I better be not just whistling Dixie. A) I hadn't been whistling anything at the time, 2) I don't really know the tune to Dixie, and III) I'm rather tone-def, so I just looked at him oddly and started whistling "The Camptown Races" at him. For some reason, this seemed to annoy him, as he stomped off in a huff...must have been due to my aforementioned affliction of Tonality Impairment...

August 30, 2010: Back in college, my roommate told me that he needed to get seriously plastered that night, so I never really understood why he got so upset at me for covering him in papier mache...

August 31, 2010: Somebody once told me that I needed to stop and smell the roses. I took his suggestion, and got stung on the nose by a bee that was inside the rose I was smelling.

September 1, 2010: Somebody once told me that I ought to blaze a new trail. I thought it was an odd suggestion, but I still don't understand why he got mad when I followed his instructions and set fire to the woods outside his house...

September 2, 2010: Somebody once told me that I was only adding fuel to the fire. This left me rather confused, as there wasn't any fire going at that time...so I started one. Somehow, this only made him angrier...